You'd think by now I'd be used to the fact that being in Teyvat involves more climbing than a gacha addict's emotional rollercoaster. But no. Absolutely not. Nothing could've prepared me for Mt. Aozang's vertical insult to humanity.
We were on our way to meet Cloud Retainer—the Adeptus, the engineer, the one with the fashion sense of an origami crane and the sass of a thousand-year-old bird auntie. Naturally, our journey began with Lumine asking a perfectly normal question that instantly summoned my chaotic gremlin energy.
"I suppose you know where we're going, right?" she asked, eyebrow arched like she already didn't believe me.
"Of course," I replied with chest-puffed confidence. "I've done this quest like, eight times before. Believe in my 2000 hours of playtime."
Paimon blinked. Lumine blinked.
"...You've done what now?" Lumine asked.
"What's a playtime?" Paimon added.
"Don't worry about it," I said, waving it off like a sleep-deprived streamer about to fight the Abyss Herald on a random Tuesday. "Just trust the guy who once fell off this mountain twice but still got the achievement for not dying."
And now, climbing Mt. Aozang is like spiritual enlightenment—if spiritual enlightenment involved leg cramps, slipping off ledges, and regretting all your life decisions. This thing was a skyscraper shaped like a middle finger from the geo god.
"Why does this feel taller than last time?" I groaned, clinging to the rock like a very distressed lizard.
"Because maybe you didn't actually climb it last time," Lumine muttered.
"Hey! I totally did. I just might've teleported from a nearby waypoint because I value my knees."
Paimon was hovering cheerfully above us, like the smug little floating friend she is. "You guys look like steamed carrots from up here!"
"Paimon, if you don't stop mocking us, I'm tying you to my back like an emergency stamina battery."
Eventually—by some miracle, glitch, or divine pity—we made it to the top. And there it was.
In the center of a peaceful lake sat a tree. Underneath the tree, a stone table. On the table: bowls, wine jugs, and the kind of ceremonial vibe that screamed plot relevance.
Paimon floated toward the table like a kid at a free sample booth. "Whoa... there are names carved into the seats! This one says Retainer. This one says... here sits Guizhong. And this one says here sits Rex!"
"Rex Lapis," Lumine murmured.
"But... who's Guizhong?" Paimon asked.
Ah. Here we go.
I stepped forward dramatically, the mountain wind blowing through my hair like I was about to drop the hottest mixtape of lore.
"Ah yes... Guizhong..." I sighed, placing a hand over my heart like a poetic simp. "All beautiful and sweet... a genius goddess who could probably outsmart a calculator while still baking a cake."
Lumine and Paimon turned to me, visibly concerned.
"You actually know her?" Lumine asked.
"Allow me to enlighten you," I grinned. "Prepare your ears for yet another Lore Bomb™!"
"Oh boy," Paimon muttered. "Here we go again."
"So, Guizhong—aka the God of Dust—was one of the big shots during the Archon War era. She co-founded the Guili Assembly with Morax, aka Rex Lapis, and Marchosius, aka... well, just imagine a very responsible fire god who probably organizes potlucks who is now currently a plushie."
"Guizhong was smart, like insanely smart. She built mechanisms like the Guizhong Ballista, which is either a really fancy war machine or an ancient Liyue Nerf gun on steroids."
Lumine blinked. Paimon tilted her head.
"She died in battle," I continued, now full anime tragic mode. "There was a war. A flood. People had to flee the Guili Assembly and settle in what's now Liyue Harbor. Since then, her legacy's lived on in ancient texts, and probably in Zhongli's Spotify playlist of Sad Adepti Hours."
"Wow," Lumine said, soft.
"Also," I added, "she may or may not have been Rex Lapis's wife. I mean, look at this romantic dinner setup. They probably had a wine date here before obliterating invaders together. Peak power couple vibes."
"You're making that part up," Lumine accused.
"Am I? Am I really?" I raised an eyebrow. "Look, until Hoyoverse gives me a cutscene, I'm headcanoning them as soulmates. The Guili Plains are obviously named after their ship name. Guili—Guizhong and Zhongli. See? ICONIC."
"Shigeru," Paimon said, deeply confused, "are you okay?"
"No. I'm emotionally invested in tragic gods and fictional shipping. Leave me be."
But as emotional as it was, we had business. Bird business.
"This is where the cooking part begins," I said, suddenly shifting into MasterChef mode. "Because to summon Bird Mommy—Cloud Retainer—we need to feed her ego and also her belly."
"So… we cook?" Lumine asked, scanning the area.
"Exactly! We gather ingredients, cook some symbolic dishes, and she'll appear like a five-star drop after pity."
Paimon started floating in random directions sniffing the air. "I think I smell mushrooms!"
"Perfect!" I said. "We need Mora Meat, Matsutake Meat Rolls, and Jewelry Soup."
"You sure you're not just hungry?" Lumine asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes. I mean, no. I mean—look, cooking is the quest. Trust the quest."
So off we went. Gathering mats, picking herbs, fighting off the occasional angry boar who clearly wasn't thrilled we were stealing his fridge. Lumine found an old Liyue recipe near a rock, and just like that, we were ready.
"I'll do the cooking," she said.
I nodded respectfully. "Chef Lumine, take it away. If the food's good, I'll add five stars to your banner rating."
She rolled her eyes but didn't say no. And so she cooked. Three glorious dishes.
The aroma filled the mountain peak. It was like triggering a smell-based cutscene.
After placing the meals on the table, a rumble echoed through the sky.
A pathway lit up nearby, leading into what looked like a mechanical ruin.
I grinned.
"Welp," I said, cracking my knuckles, "ready to destroy some ruins?"
Paimon looked up. "Are we really doing another ruin dungeon? After all that climbing and cooking?"
"Yes," I said confidently. "Because plot. And also, I think there's loot."
Lumine sighed. "Of course there's loot."
"Exactly. Let's goooooo!"
And so we marched forward. Into the ruins, into madness, into whatever ancient Adepti trauma was about to come flying at us.
***
There's a moment in every hero's journey where they start questioning their life choices. Mine hit the second we entered those ruins. You'd think with a Sigil of Permission in your pocket and the stench of three freshly cooked Liyue dishes still clinging to your hair, the ancient security systems might take the day off.
Nope.
As soon as we stepped inside, the air went boom. Like, actual echo-boom. Some spooky voice echoed through the walls like the ruins were haunted by a philosophical parrot:
"One senses the presence of a Sigil of Permission. Those who seek an audience must first overcome the trials and reach her abode."
Paimon jumped. "Did the ruin just talk?!"
"Plot twist," I muttered. "The ruin is Cloud Retainer. She's just a sentient structure now."
Lumine gave me that look—the one that says, If you keep talking, I'll push you into the next spike trap.
So began our descent into madness.
These ruins were not designed by normal people. Oh no. These were built by an Adeptus with the architectural sensibilities of a puzzle-obsessed demon. It's like if a Rubik's Cube had a midlife crisis and decided to get into extreme sports. Mechanisms, hidden doors, floating platforms, rotating bridges, timed levers, pressure plates—I swear the entire thing was a sadistic playground built by someone who wanted to watch adventurers cry.
And I did. Emotionally.
But you can't say that out loud, because, you know... you don't insult divine architecture unless you want to be reincarnated as bird feed.
We finally—finally—reached the upper sanctum. There, perched elegantly atop a platform that looked like a bonsai garden fused with an IKEA furniture display, stood The Birb herself.
Cloud Retainer.
White feathers, regal stance, judgmental glare like she just saw your internet search history. And yes, I know it's just a bird in this timeline, but my gamer brain couldn't unsee Xianyun. That sleek green-and-black outfit? Mommy-tier. Those glasses? Instant +10 Wisdom buff. And I know we're looking at a talking crane right now, but all I could think was.
"Damn. Mommy's in disguise."
Cloud Retainer tilted her head, voice all regal and echo-y. "One is surprised. You have braved trials few mortals could hope to conquer. The One before you is the Adeptus, Cloud Retainer. Now speak of the matter which brings you here."
Alright. Showtime.
I stepped forward dramatically, arms wide open like I was about to perform Hamlet but in streetwear. "Esteemed and stylish avian of supreme intellect! We humble seekers of plot progression come before you to deliver dumplings and disturbing truths!"
Cloud Retainer blinked. I think her brain blue-screened.
Paimon facepalmed. "Lumine, do something before he starts making bird puns again."
Lumine sighed. "We're here to request your help regarding the Rite of Parting. Moon Carver sent us."
See? Teamwork.
Ah. And here we go.
I stepped up again, hands dramatically clasped like I was at a funeral. "Alas, dear Cloud Retainer, the big geo daddy has perished! Yeeted into the afterlife! Bonked out of existence! Someone pulled a full-on disappearing act, and guess who the entire city thinks did it?" I pointed at Lumine. "Our very own innocent, monster-slaying, dumpling-offering, non-god-killing Traveler here."
Paimon was already groaning. "No, no, no—don't say it like that!"
Cloud Retainer blinked, alarm growing.
"And what's worse," I continued, because apparently I had no self-preservation instincts left, "is that everyone's blaming us! We show up, kaboom, Rex Lapis goes down like a ton of Cor Lapis bricks, and now we're just... running errands for immortals with judgmental feathers."
Cloud Retainer's wings twitched ominously.
Lumine stepped forward immediately, hands raised like she was trying to defuse a divine bomb. "What he means is—we're just trying to find out the truth. We came to pay our respects and figure out what really happened."
Paimon nodded. "Yeah! We don't know what's going on either, we're just being blamed because we were at the wrong place at the wrong time!"
Cloud Retainer narrowed her eyes. "One finds this situation... most troubling."
"Tell me about it," I muttered. "I haven't had a normal day since I woke up here." expression -can birds even have expressions?- shifted into one of furious disbelief.
Cloud Retainer's expression—if that's even a thing with birds—tightened like she just bit into a lemon wedge of pure betrayal.
"One... did not believe the words of Moon Carver to hold such... ill tidings. Rex Lapis... has fallen?"
Cue the rage.
"One cannot abide this! This is not acceptable! The city is vulnerable! Mortals must be disciplined! The Adepti must convene! The skies shall quake, and the earth shall tremble!"
"Okay, big emotions, valid," I mumbled. "But also, please don't nuke the place."
Thankfully, Lumine stepped up with diplomatic words while Paimon did emotional damage control. Meanwhile, I stood in the back, trying not to look like a literal chaos goblin who just dropped lore bombs and trauma dumplings.
Cloud Retainer fluffed her wings like she was preparing to summon an orbital strike. But eventually, she calmed down.
"Moon Carver has summoned the Adepti. Then one shall answer the call. One shall depart."
Before she could fully Yeet herself into the clouds, I leaned in and whispered real quick, "Hey, uh... not to overstep or anything, but could you, like, bless me or whatever? Maybe a bit of divine wisdom... on you know? Dancer girl? Sumeru? Rings a bell? Anyway. You know, for... spiritual purposes. Totally spiritual. Also, don't worry—I'm not trying to hit on your daughters either. I swear on my last brain cell."
She froze.
BIG MISTAKE.
Her head whipped around slowly. "...You know of One's children?"
"Uhhhh," I sweat. "It's complicated. Parallel timelines, gacha lore, Google Images. Look, the point is I come in peace."
There was a very long pause. I was genuinely afraid she might vaporize me on the spot.
Then—mercifully—she sighed.
"One grants you a fragment of insight. Not because one trusts you... but because your stupidity may yet bring about something useful. Listen well: Let not your heart be swayed by appearances, nor your path by fleeting charms. The road ahead is treacherous, and not all who smile bear good intentions. If you truly seek a future with the one who dances beneath Sumeru's stars, then steel your spirit—and for the love of all that is celestial, cease being a walking calamity in comedic form. There is a chance for even you, so long as you remain true... and dial your idiocy down to tolerable levels. And above all—do not attempt to explain your existence through gacha mechanics again. One's patience has limits."
"Thanks! I treasure that like an insult-shaped fortune cookie."
With a powerful flap of her wings, Cloud Retainer took off, leaving sparkles, wisdom, and judgmental energy in her wake.
The moment she was gone, I turned to Lumine and Paimon, hands on my hips.
"Well, that went great!"
Paimon stared at me. "You almost died."
"Keyword. almost."
Lumine just gave me that tired look again. "We have to meet another Adeptus, don't we?"
I grinned.
"Ready to meet another bird?"
They groaned in perfect sync.
And thus, we marched toward our next majestic, possibly murderous, avian encounter.
___________________________________
End of Chapter 19
Quest Completed: Reach Cloud Retainer's Abode & Deliver Moon Carver's Message
Sub Quest: Don't get turned into bird chow
Rewards: +1 Insight when flirting with divine beings (does not stack with stupidity), Advice of the Adepti, and Insult-Shaped Fortune Cookie.