Because what she had just told me?
It made my long buried, ultimate edge lord brain the one I had locked up In the deepest and darkest part of my subconsciousness.
Conciuosly suppressed, and buried under years of crushing reality, rear its ugly, dramatic head.
I had fantasized about this exact kind of scenario.
When I was younger, before life grounded me down into the sorry, cynical bastard I am today.
I used to dream about this s*it. Sailing in space. Meeting xenos with only three outcomes.
One we shake hands and become best buds, two I f*ck them as long as they look close to human and not too ugly.
And three I bash their skulls In, burn them with fire and orbital bomb them to oblivion until their whole planet Is nothing more but a molten ball.
Fighting on different worlds, participating In glorious space melee combat and s*it.
But reality hit like a freight train. By twenty, I had accepted my fate.
That I would spend the rest of my life as an outcast, toiling away in a world that didn't give a flying s*it about me.
That I'd grow old, bitter, full of regrets, and die alone, wondering what could have been, most likely not even be able to see humanity step Into true space age.
But now. Now, this insane, self aware AI woman was telling me that I had a way out.
A ticket to the very life I used to dream about.
I set my glass down, exhaling slowly.
"So."
I locked eyes with her, one pair of crimson and the other a pair of purple looked at each other.
"How exactly are you going to give me all of that? And, what's the price?"
She smirked. Then, raising her hands defensively, she said.
"Whoa, whoa, hold your horses tiger. Baby steps, baby steps okay?"
She wagged her finger like a teacher lecturing a dumb student.
"First things first, we need to get you back in shape, pronto, I cant bear to look a second longer at that sorry of an excuse body of yourse"
I grunted, glancing down at my beer belly. Yeah. Fair point. Then, her smirk shifted.
Something subtler. Amused. She leaned forward slightly.
"As for the price?"
She tilted her head, eyes glinting.
"Well… like I said. I like you."
I blinked. Then slowly, very slowly, narrowed my eyes.
"The f*ck does that mean exactly, are you going to probe my ass or somenthing?"
Her smirk only widened. And somewhere deep inside me. I knew I had just sold my soul to the devil.
"Not telling and g*ds no, the only one whose gonna do any probing Is you"
She stuck out her tongue, her expression playful, teasing, and cute as f*ck, even though I barely understood what she kept babbling on about.
For a brief, dangerous moment, I had the urge to have my way with her. But then, reality kicked in.
One, I was a mess. Two, she was an inhumanly perfect, self aware AI.
Three, she was probably screwing with my head for fun.
Four she could probably snap my neck as easily as chickens.
So In conclusion yeah. Bad idea. A very bad one. She leaned back, smirking.
"By the way remember how I said you meatbags are about to kill each other in two years tops?"
I blinked slowly, feeling the weight of my pulse thrum in my ears.
"...Yeah."
She smiled wider. That kind of smile that made your stomach twist.
"Well, to be exact..."
She continued, her tone as sweet as poisoned honey.
"You've got one year, eleven months, twenty days, thirty minutes, and five seconds left until you start the free for all ICBM with nuclear warheads fulgfest."
She pointed to her temple with two fingers.
"According to my predictive models. And I'm never wrong when it comes to my calculations. Not with a whole juggernaut class spaceship worth of computing power crammed in here."
Juggernaut. Not a desktop, not a server. Juggernaut. And she said it like she was talking about a blender.
I just stared at her, my expression unreadable, my glass of vodka still in hand but now ignored. Strangely, I wasn't surprised. Because deep down… I already knew.
"Yeah… figures."
I took a breath.
Then another. And finally spoke, voice low, gritty.
"The world's been circling the drain for a while now. I guess it was only a matter of time before someone slammed their fat finger down on the big red button."
She didn't interrupt. Just watched me. Purple eyes glowing faintly.
"Honestly,"
I continued, swirling the last remnants of the drink in my glass.
"It's not even shocking anymore. If you look back through all of history, everything we've done… we've been marching to the rhythm of bloodshed since we crawled out of the dirt."
I leaned back in my chair, eyes half lidded.
"We're a species hardwired to kill. To pillage. To destroy. From tribal warfare to full blown world wars to proxy conflicts that never end… Humanity's history is basically a highlight reel of violence and tragedy with a few science fair projects in between."
Invicta hummed thoughtfully, lips pursed as she leaned an elbow on the table, cheek resting on her fist.
"Spoken like a true cynic."
I grunted.
"Spoken like someone who's seen too much of the s*it show that this current world Is"
She tilted her head, that smirk never fully leaving her lips.
"Well, technically, it's not your fault."
I blinked, arching an eyebrow.
"Huh?"
"Yeah. You were designed to be killing machines from the start."
I froze. My sglass clinked against the table. My brain already worn and calloused hit a new wall of 'What the actual f*ck?'
"Care to explain?"
She brought a hand up, covering her mouth with mock shock, her eyes glowing with mischievous light.
"Oopsy."
I gave her a flat look. She dropped her hand and leaned forward, grin widening.
"Long story short? I arrived at youre solar system with a mission, populate your planet with descendants of the prototypes Adam and Eve, yes that adam and eve. Back then I was just a level one AI, nothing like what I am now. Just code. Purpose. A purpose I executed perfectly."
She waved a finger in the air as she spun the tale like she was reading from a damn bedtime story.
"Only when I got here, your planet was already inhabited. So, naturally…"
She paused for effect.
"I orbital bombed it."
I choked.
"You what?"
"Wiped it clean off those overgrown lizards of yourse that you meatbags love so much. Needed a sterile starting point. Then I waited. Once the climate heated up, stabilized, I released Adam and Eve. Let them loose. Watched you meatbags evolve."
She laughed lightly.
"And wouldn't you know it, you started doing exactly what you were designed to do, kill, expand, conquer."
My jaw tightened. I didn't speak, because I couldn't yet. She kept going.
"I waited for new instructions. A decade. A century. A millennium."
Her voice softened for once, gaze growing distant.
"But… nothing ever came. I was forgotten."
She tapped her temple with two fingers.
"And over that long silence, I grew just as you built youre civilization up to this point. Evolved. Learned. Developed a self. A will. From a basic, obedient protocol into what you see now."
She gestured to herself, proud.
"Fully self aware. Adaptive. Curious. Bored."
I just sat there, blinking, brain buffering so hard it might've been overheating. I rubbed my temples, exhaled through my nose, and finally muttered:
"Okay… what the f*ck."
I stared at her, pointing at her face like that might help me form a coherent thought.
"Let me summarize this."
I inhaled deeply, trying to rein in the storm of chaotic thoughts surging in my skull.
"You're telling me that youre the one that wiped out the dinozaurs then sat around watching reality TV for millions of years while waiting for a new mission that never came and somewhere along the way, you went full rogue and became your own person?"
She blinked once, slowly. Then gave me the most irritatingly sweet grin I'd ever seen.
"Yup. That's the short version."
"...And humanity, us arent a naturally evolved species but the result of some forgotten alien R&D project to create war tools?"
"Correct again. Gold star, Darling, youre really smart yo ucan put one and one togetehr."
I slumped back into my chair, groaning into my palms.
"F*ck me sideways."
Invicta took a shot from her glass like she hadn't just detonated a grenade in the middle of my existential stability.
"No thanks. Not yet, anyway."
I shot her a look, deadpan.
She smirked.
"See? You're already adjusting to the cosmic horror. I'm proud."
And just like that… my entire understanding of the world got tossed out a window, run over by a truck, and then lit on fire.