The Normandy
Uncharted Space
"Commander, XO Lawson is asking for our next destination," EDI said, breaking the silence of the room and jolting me out of my reverie.
"Fuck off, EDI," I mumbled. I was lying on my bed, clutching a certain framed hologram that depicted a young woman in Alliance uniform, looking at the photographer with a serious expression.
"Profanity is not an acceptable response to her query, sir," said EDI, almost reproachfully. "We have been idle ever since the mission undertaken at the human colony of Horizon."
"EDI, here are my orders," I began.
"Standing by, sir."
"One, you will forget all about the mission on Horizon," I said.
"I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid that won't be possible without a full manual memory wipe - "
"Two, you will never mention the mission on Horizon to me ever again," I continued, as though she hadn't spoken.
"Again sir I believe this may be counter productive, but I will comply," intoned EDI.
"Three, you will not mention the name of the Alliance marine whom I encountered on Horizon. You will forget about that person. That is an order," I said with an air of finality.
"There was only one such individual that fits that description sir, are you referring to Systems Alliance Operations Chief Ashley Will - "
"Yes," I growled. "Now obey my orders."
"Yes sir. The issue of XO Lawson's enquiry still stands, however," EDI said again.
"Tell her...tell her I'll tell her what to do soon. Just give me a bit more time, alright? Goddamnit," I said.
"Yes sir," EDI said, and her glowing blue orb of an avatar disappeared.
What the hell's wrong with me?
I was Staff Commander Shepard, the four billion credit man, first human Spectre, Hero of the Battle of the Citadel, the only one who seemed to be doing something to fight the Reapers. Human colonies were disappearing. Hundreds of thousands of lives were at stake. Hell, I'd just seen one abducted before my very eyes.
So why did it all seem so faint and far away compared to the emotions evoked from looking at that holo?
I thought back to an earlier time. It was some time after Saren had shot himself in the head, and the first Normandy had helped to take down Sovereign and saved the galaxy.
We were bigger than heroes, bigger than the biggest celebrities. We had film stars and music stars and politicians eating out of our hands. Everyone wanted a piece of us. Those days burned so brightly, so fierce. I thought they would last forever.
Flux, Citadel Presidium
One week after the Battle of the Citadel
"Oh, by the Goddess! You guys are...you're the..."
I had promised the crew a night out, and we were having the time of our lives. Before we left the ship, I asked Tali to hack into Ambassador Udina's personal accounts, and as a result he would be very generously paying our bill for the night's festivities.
Judging by the way Wrex was putting away shots of fabulously expensive krogan ryncol, Udina would not only end up bankrupt, but several thousand credits in the red.
A group of asari dressed in fabulous gowns of varying shades of blue that left little to the imagination had crept up to our booth, their eyes wide with excitement. I glanced at the one who had spoken. I couldn't be sure, but I think she was the supporting star in a movie that had made a billion credits a few months back.
"Crew of the Normandy miss, yes indeed. Commander Shepard at your service," I said, in an exaggerated formal manner. The asari all let out squeals of surprising volume.
"I knew it! You're the Hero of the Citadel! Goddess, when you saved the Destiny Ascension, that was so brave! My sister was serving on board, you totally saved her life."
"Well I can't take all the credit, my pilot Joker here actually led the fleet into battle - " I began.
"That's right ladies!" cut in Joker, looking delighted. "Now, if you'd like to hear all about how I fired the actual shot that brought down Sovereign..."
But the asari were ignoring him, and Joker fell back in his seat, pouting in annoyance. Garrus chuckled.
"It's no use Joker, everyone only has eyes for the Commander," the turian said.
"Can I have an autoprint? And maybe a holo?" they asked hopefully.
"Sure," I said, scribbling my name and posing for the holo. The asari crowded all around me and we all smiled. I didn't like to brag, but several of them looked as though this was the happiest moment of their lives.
"That reminds me of when I was their age," mused Dr. Chakwas, as the asari snapped more holos.
"You mean...a hundred and thirty?" asked Liara T'soni, our own asari archaeologist, puzzled.
"Oh no, my dear. I clean forgot. No, I couldn't have been older than nineteen at the time. I remember camping for three straight days to see Hotblack Desiato and Disaster Area. I had obtained the layout of the entire building and its compound, so I knew exactly which exit the band would be using once they were done. When they emerged, I pushed my way past security and pleaded for a holo. He was so gracious, that Hotblack. Still got it around somewhere."
"You saw Disaster Area play live? Awesome!" said Joker. Over at my end of the booth, I smiled, shook hands, and waved them goodbye. I could see them giggling to themselves and looking over their shoulders at me. Was it so wrong to enjoy fame and public adulation this much?
One of the asari had lingered behind, the one who had first noticed me. "You know Commander...I have a private luxury suite near the Presidium. We can be there in ten minutes. Maybe you could tell me how you got those sexy scars of yours," she said sultrily.
I laughed and put down my drink. "I don't think that would be a very good idea, miss."
"Oh? And why not? You do know who I am, don't you? Adri T'minnyu, star of the Nova Rose? I'm sure your asari friend here must know me, at least."
"I'm afraid not," remarked Liara. "I hardly ever watch vids."
"The reason for that, miss," I continued, "Is because my girlfriend is sitting right here...and she brought her gun with her."
Ashley had been sitting silent all this while by my side, drinking her beer as if nothing was going on. Right on cue she shifted her jacket so she could show off her holstered pistol for the asari movie star, without even looking at her.
"Leave now, missy," she said. "Or I'll put a bullet in you."
"You can't talk to me like that, I'm Adri! The Adri!"
"Security!" called Ashley. A second later a volus had came up to our booth.
"Chief Williams, how may I be of service?" he enquired.
"Ah, Doran. Please get rid of this girl, would you? She's bothering us."
"Not me she wasn't," mumbled Joker, but Doran had already called over two of his bouncers.
"I'm sorry miss, you'll have to leave."
"I don't believe this! I'll tell everyone I know about this, Williams!" raged Adri as she was being led away.
"Go ahead," said Ashley. "The less people who hit on 'the Hero of the Citadel', the better."
I held her hand and grinned. "Was it really necessary to be so harsh on that poor young starstruck girl? I mean, it's me after all. I have that effect on women."
Garrus rolled his eyes, Tali giggled and Liara blushed. I smirked back at them.
"Yeah, couldn't you have gotten her number for me or something?" complained Joker.
"You've got a lot of nerve. I might not be so polite the next time," said Ashley, draining the last of her beer.
I leaned over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "You'll never have to worry, Ash. Promise."
She smiled and rubbed my arm. "Promise?"
"I keep my promises."
"More ryncol over here!" roared Wrex, slamming his mug down on the table, making the rest of our glasses jump. Tali sighed wistfully.
"I wish I could have a drink. You don't see that many quarians in bars and clubs."
"Don't worry," I said to her. "I'll take back a crate of liqueur just for you, distilled especially for turians and quarians. You did give Udina's credit details to Doran, didn't you?"
"Of course. He won't know a thing."
"Ten crates then!" I proclaimed, and the group broke up laughing. I sat back and gave Ashley a meaningful look. She understood me at once.
"Hey guys, we're gonna get some fresh air. See you later. Buy more drinks. I want Udina to cry like a little girl when he sees the bill," I said, standing up.
"Yeah, I'm coming too," said Ashley.
Joker looked like he was about to say something smart, but he quailed beneath my glare. I took Ashley's hand and led her outside onto a nice, quiet balcony overlooking the Presidium. I had booked the whole of Flux for the crew of the Normandy, although VVIPs were allowed to party with us at Doran's discretion.
I thought I saw a drunk Pressly, the middle-aged Chief Engineer of the Normandy, challenging an elcor to an arm wrestling match. Before I could see him get squashed, Ashley stroked my cheek and I found myself getting lost in her warm brown eyes once more.
"Hey handsome," she said, flirtatiously.
"Hello, darlin'," I drawled.
"Wanted some private time?"
"You know it," I whispered, leaning close and kissing her neck right on that sensitive spot above her collarbone that she liked so much. Ashley moaned softly, caressing my head and waist. I nuzzled her neck again, harder this time.
Ashley wasn't the type of girl who used scented lotions and bath oils - she was a marine first and foremost, and all marines usually smelled like sweat. But I loved it. There was something familiar and down-to-earth about it, much like Ashley herself.
"John..."
"Yeah?" I mumbled, against her neck. It felt so good to be standing there with Ashley in my arms after achieving one of the most spectacular victories in galactic history. It felt like everything I had said and done up to now had been worth it.
Enduring the nightmarish station on Noveria, trying to save those poor colonists on Feros, wading through armies of Geth and taking down a Reaper...few military men get to enjoy the fruits of their labours. We tend to count ourselves lucky if we were still walking and talking and in one piece. But tonight was better. My crew and I were the heroes of the galaxy, and I had Ashley. It was enough.
"Do you love me?" she asked, her voice trembling ever so slightly.
I pulled away and looked into her eyes again, although they now held just the faintest touch of...was it fear? No, it couldn't be fear. Ashley had seen a hell of a lot as we'd fought our way across the galaxy, she'd hardly be scared now.
But what if she was? Chief Ashley Williams, heroine of the Battle of the Citadel and the only woman I'd ever seen who could kill a krogan with the butt of her gun, feeling a hint of trepidation about our relationship?
I knew she had more than just an amazing body and a killer shot. Deep down inside she was sensitive, thoughtful and fiercely loyal, with good taste in literature. I wondered how many people had managed to know the real Ashley.
Any other guy would look at her and think total GI Jane, marine bitch who could toss a drink as well as any man and probably kick your ass afterwards. She was that, a little, but it wasn't all there was to her.
Ashley had closed the other side of herself for so long, spurred on by old shame to shut out all other distractions in favour of devotion to her job. She laboured so long under her familial reputation, her grandfather having the distasteful distinction of surrendering to invading turians during the First Contact War. Were there heavier chains that bind than those of family?
Hell, look at me. Dad a marine, Mom an admiral, and I had to go one better and graduate from N7 the Special Forces programme, not to mention the whole Spectre thing.
In our fight together I had discovered the real Ashley, the intelligent, articulate woman who believed strongly in duty and loyalty. And if that was an incidental reward for saving the galaxy, it was the one I would treasure the most.
I realised Ashley was waiting for an answer. I held both her hands in mine, trying to find the right words to express all my feelings.
"Yeah. Yeah, I do. You're more than just one night, more than just a fling to me. I care about you so much, Ash. You're this utterly amazing person that I want to get to know better. And probably the only person in the galaxy who could kick my ass."
Ashley punched me lightly on the arm. "Don't joke. This means a lot to me, you know?" But she was smiling slightly. I cupped her cheek and brought her lips to mine for a long, deep kiss. When we finally broke apart, I was the one smiling.
"I love you Ash. I'm in love with you. Now and always," I stated with quiet conviction.
Tears started to well up in her eyes and she blinked them away furiously. "John, remember what I said to you that night, before Ilos?"
"You said you had something to tell me, but I had to wait. I had to use a millennia-old mass relay, fight a rogue Spectre and his army of robot slaves, and blow up a space god before hearing it from you." I took a step back and spread my arms. "Walk in the park. Now say it, marine."
She hesitated at first, then her words came out in a rush. "I'm in love with you too, John. I...I don't know what to do, what to think. I'm scared, thrilled, nervous but exhilarated, all at the same time. We're both military. Any of us could die at any time. But it's like...I don't care, you know? The galaxy can throw whatever it wants at us. We'll find some way to beat it. Because I've got you, and you will always have me. No matter what."
"Semper Fi, marine?"
"Semper Fi, sir."
We kissed again, and again, lost in the light and laughter and love.
"Ash?" I said at last.
"Hmm?" she said, her eyes dreamy.
"You know I don't like to be called John."
Ashley laughed. "Sorry, Skip."
When I'd assumed command of the second Normandy one of the first things I'd done was ask EDI to tap into old Alliance records and come up with a holo, any holo of Ashley. EDI had managed to obtain an old identification photograph from when she was stationed on Eden Prime. It was enough. I had it framed and put it on my desk, and I looked at it every day.
Now I locked it away in some drawer, and wandered over to the elevator. I couldn't stay in my room forever. I needed to think, to plan, to lead. The Collectors were coming, they were threatening the Terminus Systems and vulnerable human colonies.
To hell with it. I needed a drink. Or two. I headed for Kasumi's lounge, steadfastly ignoring everyone who looked up as I passed by. For once Kasumi wasn't inside, and I could be left alone in blessed silence.
I sat down at the bar and nursed a beer. It was a microbrew hailing all the way from Earth, a rarity this far out in the Terminus Systems. I briefly wondered how Kasumi had acquired it, then got down to the task of getting drunk.
Several hours later the door of the Port Observation deck slid open, and someone stepped into the room. I was facing away from the door, so I couldn't see who it was. Although I could hazard a guess from the faint smell of lavender perfume in the air.
"Shepard, this is highly irregular! Where have you been all this while?" Miranda Lawson demanded.
I didn't turn around. "Hello Miranda," I said politely. She didn't take the hint and continued talking to my back.
"We've been adrift for days!"
"So upgrade the Normandy's armaments. Garrus's Thanix cannon will come in handy."
"That was completed several days ago."
"So make the pod bay larger. Thane's got some schematics."
"Can't be done until we reach a decent trade world. Shepard, what is wrong with you?"
I savoured the last mouthful of the beer, letting it slide down my throat. It was still cold. You couldn't get a genuine Earth-brewed beer for love and money in the Terminus Systems, and I was regretting having to finish this one.
It reminded me of my days back in the N7, where our sergeant would toss us a few bottles after a successful mission. It also brought back to mind memories of Ashley and me...relaxing in my arms in a beautifully designed asari jacuzzi...drinking and talking and laughing and making love. I pushed the bottle away, the taste suddenly turning bitter in my mouth.
"Everything's fine, Miranda," I said, not rising to take the bait. She clearly wanted to force a confrontation, and I wasn't in the mood for a fight.
"Is this about what happened on Horizon? For God's sake Shepard, you can't abandon the mission just because of what happened!"
"I haven't abandoned the mission," I said. "I'll get back to it. After a while."
"Tell me when," said Miranda. She tried changing tack. "Thousands of human colonists might die while you sort out your emotional entanglements. Remember why we're doing this. To save lives. Are you going to let them die?"
"Don't give me that bullshit," I said calmly. "You're just worried because the Illusive Man's riding your ass hard. He wants to know the reason for the delay. He's worried his four billion credits are sitting around doing absolutely nothing. You tell him to go screw himself."
Miranda inhaled sharply, then let out her breath in a sigh of utter frustration. "I'll say this once more. I need a destination, and a plan. If you won't give them to me, I'm taking over this mission."
"Good luck," I said, reaching for another bottle. It glowed a faint luminescent pink, and promised to be a hell of an experience. "You might intimidate the Cerberus guys and gals, but the real specialists don't answer to you. Hell, some of them want to kill you."
"After all you've seen and done - you, of all people - you lose your drive because of this? Because of some woman?"
"You've never had a boyfriend, had you Miranda?" I inquired.
"That is none of your business!" snapped Miranda, sounding enraged.
"Maybe the reason for that is because you're demanding and insufferable. Now leave me alone," I said, twisting off the top of the bottle and pouring it into a martini glass. I took a tentative sip and smacked my lips. Simply terrible. Shrugging, I downed the whole thing in a single gulp.
"Go to hell, Shepard," hissed Miranda, storming out of the lounge. I know the doors were on pressure controlled gauges, but I was still expecting to hear a door slam.
I had made a game out of lining up the empty bottles in a perfectly straight line along the bar counter. It was difficult, because every so often I'd drop one, it would smash and I'd have to drink another one to replace it.
The door slid open, and Kelly came in. I knew it was Kelly because only she would be cheerful enough to whistle a tune on board ship.
"Hello sir. Mind if I join you?"
"It's a free country...planet...empty void...ship, whatever," I replied morosely. I had smashed three more bottles and it was going to be a chore to replace them.
Kelly sat on the stool next to me and turned around to face me. I didn't do the same, instead staring at my next bottle. It appeared to be some kind of hideous vodka distilled from Elcor plants. Where the hell did Kasumi get all this from?
"Sir, we really need a strong hand right now. The crew's all unsure about what to do next. They want to fight the Collectors, but you're not letting them."
She placed a hand on my arm. Her fingers were warm and smooth to the touch.
"Please sir, we need you. If it helps, you can tell me what's on your mind and I'll try to help you."
"Kelly," I said, still looking at the bottle of vodka. "I know you're spying on me."
She withdrew her hand immediately. "I...that's - that's ridiculous! I'm just your Yeoman, trying to do my job."
"Your job's to tell the Illusive Man if I'm mentally strong enough to take on the Collectors," I said, opening the vodka bottle. "You seem nice enough, and I appreciate your hard work. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy flirting with you. But you're not going to get close to me. Not as long as you're part of Cerberus."
"You've got it all wrong sir, I'm not faking this. I really want to help!"
"You're sweet, Kelly," I said. "You really are. You're also an excellent counsellor and P.A. But the best you can do for me right now is to leave me alone. I don't need some shrink telling me what to feel. Thank you, Yeoman Chambers. Dismissed."
Kelly sat still for a while, then got up and made to leave. Before she did so, I heard her say something in a low voice.
"I thought you were better than this, Commander. Snap out of it." Then she was gone, and I resumed trying to kill my liver. Since the Illusive Man kindly gave me a new one, I had a lot of catching up to do.
Several hours later, I hadn't moved from my spot. Jacob, Garrus, Dr Chakwas, Dr Mordin Solus and Kasumi had all stopped by to talk. Even Grunt. I dealt with them all in the same way. Without looking at them and calmly telling them to go away. They got the message eventually.
Why was this hitting me so hard? I've had break ups before, but never as bad as this. I'd seen and done terrible things, buried my own father, left one of the finest and most decent men I'd ever known to die on Virmire. Yet I was feeling worse than I've ever remembered being. Maybe I wasn't the hero and legend people were expecting me to be. Maybe I was a fraud.
Horizon
One week ago
"They're running, they've had enough!" roared Zaeed, blasting a few more shots into the air at the general direction of the Collector ship. It had blasted off after being rocked with a few shots from the GARDIAN defenses. "Run you bug-eyed bastards, run!"
I sat down on the grass and took off my helmet, relishing the feel of the wind on my sweaty face. We had stumbled upon a scene of horror at the human colony of Horizon, with the inhabitants frozen in stasis by Collector technology. We were too late to stop the Collectors from kidnapping most of the colony, but we were just in time to get into a fight and take out a few of the bastards.
I took a few deep breaths, and allowed myself a smile. "Anyone got hit?"
"No casualties and no major injuries, Shepard," reported Miranda.
"Speak for yourself," said Garrus, putting away his sniper rifle. "I got smacked into a crate by Jack's biotics."
"Toughen up, turian," rumbled Grunt. "The little human flung a husk at another husk and blasted those scions off their feet. Worthy of a warlord's favour!"
"My name is Jack, you overgrown lizard," said Jack, but she wasn't being malicious. For some reason she got on really well with the big krogan. Perhaps it had to do with their mutual love of violence. "And quit being a pussy, Garrus. I hardly scratched you."
"That was a hell of ride, Commander," said Jacob. "The Collectors may have taken many of the colonists, but they didn't get all of them."
"They've gotten enough. There's no reason for them to stay," replied Miranda.
"Battle's won, but not the war," I said, suddenly grim. "Okay take five, then let's see what we can do about those poor bastards still frozen in stasis."
"No! You let them get away! They took Sten and Duncan and...and Lilith! Do something!" screamed someone. It was the pathetic mechanic we had run into earlier. He'd cowered behind a locked door while the Collectors made off with his friends and neighbours. I was less than inclined to be charitable.
"I fought and killed some of the nastiest sons of bitches this side of Citadel space," I said. "While you were fifty feet away trying not to shit your pants."
"I'm a mechanic! What was I supposed to do, let myself get killed?"
"You should have fought and died for your kin," said Grunt. The mechanic quickly backed away from the terrifying krogan. "You ran and hid, and that makes you more worthless than the dead."
The mechanic was not about to argue with Grunt, but he could continue to harangue me. He took a step towards me and opened his mouth.
"Want me to ventilate him for you, Shepard?" drawled Zaeed, raising his gun.
The mechanic stopped short as though he had been struck. "Shepard...hey wait, I know you. You're some kind of big Alliance hero."
"Don't do me any favours," I said, glaring at the weasel.
"Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Saviour of the Citadel. You stand in the presence of a god, Delan," came a voice behind the cowardly mechanic. He spun around in fright, then scowled when he saw who it was.
"The Collectors took everyone...took Lilith, and they leave you behind. Figures. Screw this, the Alliance can go to hell," he muttered, walking away.
I couldn't speak, couldn't say a word. I knew that voice the instant I heard it. I thought about it every day, heard it in my dreams at night. It was a voice that sounded equally good reading a few lines from Yeats or Neruda or Whitman, bellowing a battle cry before charging a massed horde of geth, or calling my name over and over in those long hours making love together in my cabin. It was a voice I thought I'd never hear again.
Ashley Williams was standing before me, wearing a suit of Phoenix armour with an assault rifle at her hip. She had changed little in two years, and looked exactly as how I remembered her. Same olive skin, same warm brown eyes, her hair done up in a neat bun like she used to do on board the first Normandy.
I quickly stood up, not believing it. I'd been flying all over the galaxy scrambling to stay ahead of the Collectors, but I'd never forgotten about trying to find Ashley. And here she was, as if I had never left.
"John, I thought you were dead. We all did," she said softly. She stepped up to me and I drew her in a tight embrace. It seemed so familiar, so right. Ashley in my arms once again.
Something clamoured for attention in the back of my head. Ashley called me 'John'. She rarely did that. She pushed me away and gave me a look of mingled yearning, anger and suspicion. The sense that something was wrong grew stronger.
"Ash," I said, trying to pick my words with care. I couldn't exactly break down and start crying in front of Jack and Miranda and the others. "You don't sound too happy to see me. Is something wrong?"
"Yeah, something's bothering me," she said in a low, intense voice. "I spent the past two years thinking you were dead! We had something, John. Something real. I...I loved you."
She choked out the last words. I knew the rest of the team were hanging on to everything that we said. The silence was deafening, I could hear every breath of wind and rustle of grass on Horizon.
Ashley shook her head. "I thought you were dead. I almost...how could you put me through that? How could you?"
I wanted to say something, but for the life of me I couldn't think what. Ashley went on.
"Why didn't you contact me?" she asked, her voice trembling. "Why didn't you let me know you were alive? Why didn't you care?"
"I wasn't even conscious!" I cried. "I spent the last two years in some kind of coma, while Cerberus stitched me back together! I've been combing the whole galaxy looking for you, no one would tell me where you were!"
Ashley took a step back, noticing for the first time my companions. She took in the familiar logo on Miranda and Jacob's uniforms, and put it all together.
"You're with Cerberus now? Garrus, you too?"
"They saved my life," said Garrus simply.
"I don't believe this," whispered Ashley. She looked at me with eyes full of hurt. "I didn't want to believe the reports were right."
"Reports? You mean you already knew?" said Garrus in surprise.
"Alliance intel said that Cerberus was behind the missing colonists. We got a tip that Horizon was the next to be hit. I went to Anderson, but he wouldn't talk. There were rumours you weren't dead...that you were working for the enemy."
"I'm not working for them!" I protested. "Cerberus and I happen to want the same thing. I want to stop the Collectors and save the human colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them!"
"Do you really believe that?" Ashley shot back. "Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think? I wanted so much to believe that you were alive. But I never expected anything like this."
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jacob and Miranda exchange meaningful glances, Garrus looking away tactfully, Jack and Grunt with inscrutable expressions, and Zaeed wasn't even bothering to pay attention. He had sat down on a crate some distance away and was cleaning his rifle.
"How could you turn your back on all of us?" Ashley went on, with real venom in her voice now. I've heard it before, it just never occurred to me that it could ever be directed at myself. "You betrayed the Alliance, and Anderson. You betrayed your parents' legacies. You betrayed me."
"Ash, you know me," I said, struggling to keep the desperation out of my voice. "I'd die before betraying the Alliance, you know how much it means to my family and me. And you...I care so much about you, Ash. I'd never do anything to hurt you."
"Tell it to the colonists on Feros. Tell it to Admiral Kahoku and Corporal Toombs. Tell it to those poor bastards who died on Akuze," said Ashley. Miranda looked like she wanted to say something, but she was silenced by a look from Jacob.
"This is bigger than just Cerberus. People are dying, Ash, and both the Alliance and the Council aren't lifting a finger to help," I said, waving an arm at the abandoned scene around us. "You saw it yourself, the Collectors are targeting human colonies. And they're doing it with the help of the Reapers."
"I'd like to believe you John," said Ash. "But I don't trust Cerberus, and it worries me that you do. I know you...I thought I knew you. You'd never have worked for them in any way. What if they're doing this? What if they're working with the Collectors and are responsible for the attacks, and they're just stringing you along?"
"Typical Alliance attitude," sniffed Miranda. "You're so blinded by your irrational hate of Cerberus you're completely ignoring the real threat."
Ashley glared at her. Miranda held her gaze, cold as ice.
"Cerberus may be evil, but as it stands I have no choice," I said. "The fact is they're the only ones doing something about the Collector threat. I thought you'd understand that."
"Or maybe you feel like you owed Cerberus because they saved you," retorted Ash. "Maybe it's you."
"Yeah, about four billion credits," mumbled Jacob under his breath.
"Doesn't matter," said Ashley, with a note of finality in her voice. "I'm an Alliance soldier. It's in my blood."
"I'm still Alliance," I said, though not really sure if I believed it any more.
"Could have fooled me," said Ash. "I know where my loyalties lie. I'm reporting back to the Citadel. I'll let them decide if they believe this story."
"Please, Ash," I said, taking her hand. "Come with me. I need to stop the Collectors, don't you see? If I don't work with Cerberus, people will die. I need you on my team, like in the old days. I need you."
Don't make me beg, because I will, I added silently to myself.
But she shook my hand off, and I knew it was a lost cause.
"No, you don't," she said. "I'm no fan of aliens, but Cerberus has a history of being extremist. They'd kill them all if they could. I'd never work for a group like that."
She turned to walk away. "Goodbye, John. Just...try to be careful."
I stood in the same spot for several minutes after she'd left, not saying anything. I could feel the eyes of the team on me.
Zaeed walked up. "Has she buggered off? Finally. Are we going back to the ship or what?" he asked loudly.
I tapped my headset communicator and yelled at Joker, even though I knew he could hear me perfectly well. "Helmsman! Send a shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this fucking colony."
Lounge
The Normandy
Why did the volus even bother distilling gin? The stuff tasted like engine oil and antifreeze. I gacked it down anyway, and nearly threw up. Even with my new body and cybernetic upgrades and gene modification which could process toxins extremely efficiently, at least according to what Dr. Chakwas said, I was nearing my limits.
I had swallowed every single bottle of alcohol Kasumi had squirrelled away on board. She was going to be pissed off (but not as pissed as I was). I stood up, and swayed slightly on my feet. The door was inches away, but I somehow couldn't make myself go over to it.
It suddenly sprang open, and someone came into the room. I was vaguely surprised when that someone hit me so hard I flew backwards and crashed into the couch. In my intoxicated state though, I barely felt a thing.
"Shepard, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
I knew that voice from somewhere. I couldn't quite recall who, at the moment, but I was sure it would come back to me.
The intruder grabbed the cuff of my shirt and jerked me upwards into a sitting position. "Hello? Anyone home? Wake up, you jackass!"
My bloodshot eyes focused wearily on something. Bald head. Huh. That could only be one person.
"Fuck, you smell like shit!" Jack exclaimed.
"Hey Jack," I mumbled. "Want a drink?"
"I'd drink you under the table, you fucking dick," she said, trying to pull me up further. Apparently I was too heavy, so she glowed blue and I was suddenly suspended in mid-air. Jack looked at the mountain of broken glass piled up in the corner. "Holy shit. You drank all that and you're still alive?"
"I think so," I said. I was beginning to feel nauseous from floating around. "Can I throw up now?"
"Hell no! I'm not going to let you - argh!" shouted Jack, leaping back. I'd flipped around in mid-air and promptly puked my guts out. Jack then let me drop to the floor right in the middle of it.
"What the hell?!" I yelled in shock, once I was done. I was covered in my own puke, and that hadn't happened since my academy days.
"Finally, some emotion," said Jack.
"You jerk," I groaned, struggling to get to my feet.
"It's your own damn fault," she said, her voice hard. "I thought you were above this, Shepard. You're cut up over some girl? What the fuck?"
"You don't know anything," I said, pushing past her and heading for the showers.
"Yeah right," said Jack, hot on my heels. "Do you really think you're the first idiot to ever have girl problems?"
I stumbled into the male bathroom and took off my shirt. After a moment's hesitation, I thought the hell with it, and stripped off my pants as well. I knew Jack was standing right there, but somehow through the fog of alcohol, that didn't seem relevant at the moment. I really needed to get clean.
"Jack, the women's restroom is on the starboard side of the ship," chimed in EDI. Jack ignored her. I couldn't be sure, but I thought I saw her eyes widen when I removed my clothes. The water hit my skin and I sighed in pleasure. Damn, it felt good. Jack was still standing there, however.
"Uh, a little privacy?" I said.
Jack laughed. "Yeah, like I'm gonna see something I've never seen before. I'll stay here and watch."
"Fine, do whatever," I said, shrugging. For a while the only sound was of the water hitting my body and swirling down the drain.
"I know this is about Horizon," said Jack eventually. "So, that was your girl huh?"
"Emphasis on the 'was'."
"Get over yourself, Shepard."
"You don't know anything about this," I said again. Jack hit the wall with her fist, making me jump.
"Say that again and I rip your head off. You think you're the only one? After I broke out of Teltin, I fell in with a couple of thieves. They let me share their ship...even share their bed. I thought they cared about me. Then one time after I brought down an entire volus merchant cruiser for them, they took all the loot and left me behind," she said.
When she saw I had nothing to say in response, she went on. "There's no such thing as 'love'. All you have are people who are frightened, and who get horny. They're scared of the universe, so when they find someone who makes them horny, they cling on to that person. I thought you'd be more like that, Shepard."
I'd finished my shower and wrapped a towel around my waist. "Yeah well, maybe I'm human. Ever thought about that?"
"What are you saying, you asshole?" growled Jack.
"You shouldn't be giving me relationship advice," I said, going to the elevator and punching in the button for my cabin. "Who was the last person you spent time with that you didn't try to murder?"
"He's standing right in front of me," hissed Jack through gritted teeth. "Although that could change. Where are you going? Hey, I'm not done talking to you!"
"I'm looking for some clothes, you psycho! In case you didn't notice, I'm wearing nothing but a towel!" I yelled, then realised that everyone on the crew deck had heard me.
"What did you call me?" shouted Jack, about to hit me with a biotic blast. But I saw it coming, she dropped into a pretty recognisable stance before using her abilities. Before she could do anything, I grabbed her by the wrists. We stared into each other's eyes, breathing heavily.
"Okay look," I said at last. "I'm sorry."
"Fuck you."
"I mean it," I said. "I'm sorry for what I said. And I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. I know I've been ignoring the mission."
"I don't give a fuck about the mission, Shepard," said Jack, her voice a tad lower. "I was...I was just wondering where you went. You stopped bringing me food."
I let go of her arms, feeling ashamed. After Horizon I'd shut myself up in my room and forgotten all about Jack's aversion to the Mess Hall. It couldn't have been easy for her to come up and get meals for herself, stared at by the rest of the crew, or to even go up to the lounge to shake me out of my funk like she was doing now.
"God, I...I'm sorry Jack. I really am."
"You said that already," said Jack harshly. "Are you going to sit around whining like a pussy? Or are you going to get out there and kick some ass?"
"Yeah, I am. Soon as I get some clothes."
I'd noticed for the first time that the towel I was wearing had slid to the floor, and I was still standing inches away from Jack. I bolted into the open elevator and punched the button.
"EDI!" I yelled, when I'd put on a fresh set of clothes.
"Yes sir?"
"Contact Joker, tell him we're going to Haestrom. Didn't one of the dossiers report that the quarian engineer known as Tali'Zorah vas Neema was sighted there?"
"Yes sir. At once sir."
"Thank you EDI. Oh and um...contact Miranda. Tell her I want to speak to her."
"Very well sir. May I say, it's good to have you back."
I looked up in surprise, that had sounded uncharacteristically human coming from EDI. When she didn't reply I shrugged and headed towards Miranda's office.
"Hey, Miss Lawson," I said. She didn't reply or look up, and continued to type away at her console. I rubbed my head, wondering what was the best thing to say.
"I set a course for Joker," I said. "We're going to Haestrom to pick up Tali. Her technical skills will be extremely useful for our mission."
"I concur," said Miranda shortly.
"Look, Miranda..." I began.
"I need you to leave now, Shepard," she said, with barely concealed hostility.
"I'm...I apologise. I'm really sorry for what I said to you. I was drunk and I didn't mean it."
Her fingers slowed for a moment and her mouth softened a little. She looked up at me. "Apology accepted."
"Thank you," I said. "I'll make it up to you. I'm just going to...take care of some stuff."
Cargo Hold
The Normandy
"What the hell am I eating?" demanded Jack. We were sitting in her hiding spot, her on a 'bench' and me on the floor, facing each other. I'd brought down a meal for Jack and we'd started eating together.
"Gardner didn't have a lot left," I said, chewing on a carrot stick. "I grabbed what I could."
"No kidding," she remarked, holding up a crab claw and looking at it at length. "What the hell is this supposed to be? It looks like a bug."
"That's a crab," I said. "Seafood back on Earth. Love it, actually."
"You can have it," said Jack, tossing it to me. I cracked it and sucked out the meat. It was soft and sweet, unlike Jack.
"You know...I've been on your goddamn ship all this time and I don't even know your first name. Weird huh?" Jack said eventually.
"Oh yeah. It's - "
"John. Yeah, I heard the bitch say it."
I let the remark pass. "Actually, not a lot of people call me that."
Jack looked confused. "So are you named John or not?"
"My dad was a big fan of American history. It's a country back on Earth," I added quickly, noticing her confusion deepen. "He named me after one of its presidents. My full name's John Kennedy Shepard."
"So why doesn't anybody call you John?"
"Because that president was better known by his nickname. So whenever people found out, they'd start calling me by that same nickname. Eventually I got used to it. Actually...my friends call me Jack."
Jack broke up laughing, genuine laughter this time. I couldn't believe it.
"Wait wait wait. So...you're called Jack? What the hell, man. That's my name. Can't have it."
"I suppose you can call me John, to avoid confusion," I said. "Or Shepard. But I'm not really used to it."
"Alright then...Jack," said Jack, still laughing.
"Jack," I acknowledged, with mock seriousness.
We smiled at each other. I got the sense that somehow, the ice had well and truly been broken.