But in the end, I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept loving someone more than myself.
(I'm going to focus on my studies now... I don't think I should waste any more time on it.)
At just twelve years old, I'd already been through more disappointments than I'd like to admit. Three girls. Three stories that, instead of bringing me joy, left me emptier. Each of them left a wound. And deep down, I just wanted to be seen, to be respected, to be cared for with the same zeal that I offered. But they only served to remind me that too much expectation hurts.
I decided to go home. Tomorrow I would put an end to it.
***
"What do you mean you don't want to be with me anymore?" Victoria was standing there, arms crossed in front of the garden, tapping her foot on the ground like an upset child.
I was crouching down, hoe still in hand. The soil was fresh, but my chest was dry. Empty. My gaze must have been heavy—because inside, everything hurt.
"I don't want to have a relationship with you anymore. That's all. Move on."
Saying that tore a chunk out of me. Part of me screamed not to do it, not to let those words out. But the other part, the part that had learned from every hurt, was stronger.
She crossed her arms tighter, her furious expression quickly replaced by a fake, rehearsed softness.
"You don't really want this. I know you'll miss me. I'm going to miss you too, just like that. You know... I like you. Why don't we talk more today? We can make things right..."
"No." I shook my head firmly. My voice wasn't loud, but it was firm. "I want to. And yes, I'll miss you. But as with the others... it's temporary. And you... you won't miss me."
I hesitated for a moment, swallowing. But I needed to finish this.
"I already know you're sleeping with other guys."
She froze for a second.
"Let's go our separate ways now."
The smile that appeared on her lips gave me chills. It wasn't a kind smile. It was the kind of smile that hid wounded pride and contempt.
"Oh... then someone spoke. So what? Zaatar, I give you everything. Can't you put up with one slip or another? Do you really think you'll find another one like me? Are you going to throw away this chance to become a nobleman by my side?"
"I just want you gone." That was the last straw. I said it without anger, without shouting. I just got tired. I'm tired of giving my all and getting crumbs. I'm tired of being fooled, of pretending I don't see.
She didn't expect that. Not from me.
Victoria stared at me in silence for a few seconds. I could see surprise in her eyes, maybe even a little regret. But she disguised it.
"Hmph! Do you think I care if you don't want it anymore? I don't care! I can find many better partners! More patient partners, who accept my tastes!"
"Good luck with that."
"Hmph! You'll regret this!"
She left the garden with those sharp words. But I didn't stay to watch her go. I went back to what calmed me: watering my plants, tending the soil, breathing in the scent of nature.
Victoria disappeared for a whole month. And honestly? It was the best month of my life.
Little by little, my smile began to return. I dedicated myself completely to my studies, to my training, without letting myself get distracted.
In the first week, I was able to remember events without running away from the subject.
In the second week, I started talking about it with my family without my voice breaking.
In the third, I realized that it wasn't my mistake. I had done everything I could. But some things are out of our control. It wasn't my choice, it wasn't something I could change.
And when a month had passed, I realized that this pain had made me stronger.
It changed something inside me. It made me more mature, calmer. I learned that trust isn't a free gift - it needs to be built, on both sides.
I also learned that every red light deserves attention. That my intuition deserves to be listened to.
And above all... I understood that in a carnal relationship, you can't expect fidelity or give yourself emotionally without certainty.
That was my mistake.
And it was a wound that I will carry, but which taught me more than any lesson.
A mistake I would never make again.
It had been a month since I said goodbye to Victoria. A whole month. And, for the first time in a long time, I started to feel... good. Not great, not full, but well enough to breathe without chest pain. I woke up feeling lighter. I concentrated on my studies, my training and, above all, my plants. They were my refuge. My world. Every leaf that sprouted was like a part of me being reborn too.
That morning, I entered school early. I went through my language and math classes like someone crossing a bridge: steady, focused, without looking sideways. I wasn't distracted by the whispers or the curious glances that were sometimes cast in my direction. I was at peace. I was becoming myself again.
But when I entered the greenhouse for my botany lesson... my heart almost stopped.
My plants.
The rows that had once been vibrant, green and proud... were now covered in a plague. Green, swollen larvae, squirming lazily as they devoured what was left of my work. Torn leaves, withered stems. Months of dedication, care and love. Destroyed.
I felt a sudden anger rise up like a punch in the gut. A bitter heat on my face, in my fists. It was as if someone had ripped something out of me by force. But I took a deep breath. I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes for a moment and forced myself to calm down.
Screaming wouldn't help. Breaking down wouldn't help. I was no longer the impulsive kid I used to be.
I grabbed my gloves and started cleaning up the damage, one leaf at a time. The bitter smell of dead plants mixed with the damp earth made me nauseous, but I carried on. It was all I could do.
As I pulled up the rotten leaves, a nagging idea began to form in my head.
Victoria.
She said she didn't care. That she didn't need me. But... something about it all smelled strange. She'd been gone for a whole month, and now, out of the blue, my plants - just mine - were like this?
"Smells like trouble..." I muttered, more to myself than to anyone else.
It wasn't just the smell of decay. It was a feeling. A shadow. Something in the air told me that this wasn't just an attack by natural pests.
Whatever was coming, I wasn't going to back down.
Not anymore.
This time, I was going to face it head on.