"Gasp"
The moment I regained consciousness in my body, I shot to my feet and began examining my stomach and moving my legs.
Everything seemed to be reattached and moving properly, and although my body felt a bit weak, it was almost as if nothing had happened except for the ugly red scar all around my waist and several pink bite marks on my stomach and ribs.
It seemed that all of the damage had been healed.
Moderately satisfied at my body becoming whole, I tapped the black tattooed band on my wrist, and a simple black and white identification card with my photo appeared on my palm.
[H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation]
[Life Preservation Team - Earth]
[Cyril Alexander Taylor]
[Age: 21]
[Employee IDN: 999]
Class: Waystation Intern
Skills: N/A
"..."
It was filled with a bunch of useless information that I couldn't understand.
More importantly, how the hell did they get my personal information, or a picture of me?
It was the most recent headshot that I had taken.
In it, I wore a simple white button-up shirt and had my hair slicked back, exposing a youthful, pale face that was scowling instead of smiling.
I had often been told that smiling more would make me more handsome and leave a better impression since my features were so nice, but with the state of the world, who had time to smile?
I examined the ID card closely, noting all the fine, almost invisible engravings on both sides and the sturdy construction.
When I held it against the black band, it disappeared, only to reappear when I tapped the band once more.
"How interesting. I Quit." I said out loud while flicking the card as far as I could.
Unfortunately, with a small flash of light, it appeared back on my palm, and a text message blocked my vision.
[❌Resignation Rejected. Please Check The Employee Handbook ❌]
"I resign."
[❌Resignation Rejected. Please Check The Employee Handbook ❌]
"Fire me."
[❌Resignation Rejected. Please Check The Employee Handbook ❌]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
Rubbing my nose bridge, I took a deep breath to calm down before my head exploded from hypertension induced by anger.
"….Fine, where is that employee handbook?" I needed to know so I could quit this unwanted employment and get on with my day.
The moment I muttered those words, a thick encyclopedia-sized book dropped out of the sky like a meteor, barely missing my head and making a mini crater right by my foot, kicking up a cloud of crushed up concrete.
"..."
Patience, Cyril Patience.
Counting to 10 to calm my anger, I bent over to look at the book.
Unlike the black-and-white ID card, the cover was split into red, white, black, and green quadrants, with the letters appearing in a gold overlay in the center.
H.E.L.P. Apocalypse Company Employee Handbook
Helping you familiarize yourself with the rules and regulations of your amazing new job😊
Written By Your Bestie: 😊HR😊
P.S.: You may not quit until 366 Earth days have passed (it is a leap year, tee hee).
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
Cyril: (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
I could feel the vein in my forehead throbbing rapidly, but I tamped the anger down and tried to pick up the handbook.
"..."
It refused to move, firmly stuck in the cracked sidewalk.
Squatting down properly, I gripped the edges and tried lifting with my legs as well, but nothing happened.
It was as if it were superglued to the floor.
Flipping the cover open?
No such luck.
Kicking it like a soccer ball?
It felt like my toes were going to break.
It might as well be a brick.
"...."
Patience, I need patience. 1 breathe. 2 breathe. 3 breathe…
I properly counted to 10 taking deep breaths before threat- I mean giving the book a kind suggestion.
"If you don't want me to leave you here or turn you into campfire fuel for some marshmallows, properly enter my hands right now or better yet enter my wrist so I can go." I threatened the handbook and tried moving it once more, but it seemed like it was really stuck.
Good. Great. Amazing.
"I hope a dog comes over and takes a piss on you and then you get run over by an 18 wheel truck."
After generously cursing the handbook, I grabbed my pristine box of cupcakes and began walking away while taking in the scenery around me.
At 9 a.m. on this glorious Saturday, everyone around the world received a holographic text notification and in person from a being calling itself an 'Angel' about the end of the world.
While the 'Angel' looked like a classic cherub depicted in Renaissance paintings, I, as a complete atheist, immediately disregarded it as others fell to their knees and started praying.
With the technological advancements humans have made so far, who knows what company is launching a new product with advanced holograms and trying to deceive people with a new religious scam?
The Angel had preached on and on about giving humanity the opportunity to participate in a challenge but needed to cull the wheat from the chaff, etc.
Thinking it was some religious hoax, I had properly ignored it and continued with the tasks I needed to do at work, but when black tattooed bands began appearing on peoples wrists and the chief secretary at my job decided she had enough of being sexually harassed by the executives, and had angrily blown the head of one of them by shrieking at him, I had taken one look at her glowing red eyes, and promptly decided that it was time to make my way home with my birthday cupcakes and wait this situation out until it got better or I had more information on what was going on.
Unfortunately, on my way home, someone had tried to rob me and instead of waiting for me to peacefully hand over the keys, phone, and wallet I had pulled out of my pocket, I had been chopped in half and now I was being forcefully recruited into a scam like job of which I knew nothing about.
Just thinking about that stupid teenager whose scythe-transformed arm had bisected me, and that stupid text box full of emojis spouting nonsense made my head start throbbing again.
When I catch you textbox...when I catch you….
Phew.
No, nope.
Let's just go home first and do some research and cool my brain down.
Imagining an emoji-filled text box transforming into a human so I could beat it 3/4ths of the way dead wasn't a healthy way to cope with stress.
Unfortunately, I lived in a busy area near the university and downtown and immediately began heading there while trying to avoid the main streets.
Gauging by the setting sun, it was around 6 p.m., a whole six hours after I had left the office and gotten chopped.
And contrary to my expectations of people rioting and wreaking havoc as they had been when I decided to go home, things were pretty calm.
Although the windows in cars and buildings were shattered in a lot of places, and there were some suspiciously still human bodies on the ground mixed with tipped over vehicles, fires, and the like, it wasn't any worse than when the local football team won a championship.
The only suspicious parts were the blatant military presence.
Humvees and tanks filled the streets. Main Street and Broad Street, which bisected the city, were manned by military personnel patrolling the blocks, causing me to move further away and begin walking a bit faster.
Running would be suspicious.
It wasn't that I was afraid of them; it was the fact that my outfit was bloody, and I didn't quite know how to explain or what the state of things was since my phone was gone.
Remembering the 'Angels' message insinuating that the government knew about what was happening today, I wanted to become a tumbleweed that was completely ignored.
Unfortunately, it seemed that today wasn't my day.
As I crossed the street a lone soldier wearing a national guard uniform taking a piss in flower pot caught sight of me and began approaching.
"Hey, You!"
I pretended not to hear him as I continued walking, hoping he would leave me alone.
Unfortunately, it seemed as if he was cosplaying a hero and ran up to me before touching me with his filthy hands.
Ignoring every instinct that was telling me to throw him away from me after stomping on his dirty hands, I gave him a polite smile while glancing up at his badge.
Private Moore.
What a generic name for a forgettable-looking individual.
This wasn't me being mean; he looked like a stock photo of a person named 'background character b' with brown hair squashed by his helmet, brown eyes, and thin lips.
"Did you need something, Private Moore?"
"Why are you out and about? Didn't you hear that the president declared martial law?"
"No. I just got off from work, and I got robbed, and I don't have a phone, so I don't really know what's going on…"
I trailed off while staring at him, but he looked me up and down before entering my personal space.
Smelling the scent of unwashed breath wafting over me, I forcefully held back my gag reflex and took a step back.
Truly, this should be considered chemical warfare, and you should be tried at the Hague for violating the Geneva Convention.
"Well, Martial Law has been declared, and you're under arrest."
"Why are you arresting me?"
"You're covered in blood, indicating you likely fought and severely injured somebody, violating martial law curfew, and daring to question a military officer? I suggest you shut up and come peacefully, or I'll make you."
As the soldier kept pressing into my personal space, his rank breath causing me to back away before I passed out, I pushed my anger away and tried to make him see reason.
"I refuse. I told you I was robbed, which caused the injury. It's all my own blood. If need be, I can go to the hospital and have it tested." I lifted the shirt so he could see the scars but rather than being reassured, his eyes lit up even more and he licked his lips in a disgusting manner and cocked his rifle at me.
"A healing ability? We definitely don't have enough of those. Dragging you in is enough. Even if they find out you're worthless, I'm sure I'll get promoted to a higher rank instead of having to do these shitty patrols."
"I beg your pardon?" I could only clean my ears at the nonsense I was hearing.
"Hands up, you're under arrest and will be taken into government custody. If you dare to resist, don't blame me for being violent." As he began tapping my chest with the his rifle, I surreptitiously glanced around, making sure we were alone, before sighing.
"Why are you doing this?"
"It's Martial Law, baby. Military on top. It's the commander-in-chief's orders. Are you resisting arrest? Please say yes. I've been pretty frustrated lately and all you fresh ability users are just so annoyingly cocky. It makes me want to put you in your place."
As he licked his lips once more with a crazed look in his eyes and grabbed my collar, I began calculating the odds.
Can't grab his gun and shoot him, it would alert people.
I didn't particularly want to get arrested, and the sight of anyone licking their lips while staring at the same gender with an insane look in their eyes….was he mentally unstable?
Rather than get caught up with the military, let's just peacefully eliminate him with the power of knowledge.
If that doesn't work then kicking him below and poking him in the neck should work too.
My blue eyes met his dark brown ones, and I grabbed his wrist with my fingers wrapped in my sleeve.
My left hand grabbed my pocket knife and flipped it open.
Pretending to be confused and agreeable, I relaxed my whole body while speaking quietly.
"I don't mind cooperating with you, sir, so you don't need to grab me. Instead, I do have a question. Do you mind answering it?"
"Sir, huh? I like that. What is it?"
"I wonder where my employee handbook is?"
"What?"
"Oh, employee handbook??? I'm a lost internnnn. Where art thou?" I sang while staring into his eyes.
Either it would show up and crash land on this bastard, or I would be committing a federal crime today.
It was one or the other.
"You crazy p-" before the sentence was complete, a familiar encyclopedia-sized book slammed down on the soldier's head, making a sound like a cracked watermelon and splattering my face with gory chunks and blood before slamming into the concrete floor.
The soldier's body slowly tilted backwards and fell to the ground with a thump.
I stared at the pristine book with no sign of blood on it, despite the catastrophic amount of damage it had just dealt before giving it a thumbs up.
"Wow," I soullessly clapped my hands at the handbook before trying to open it once more.
Unfortunately it stayed stuck to the ground so I wiped my face as best as I could, turned around and ran away.
Let's just get back home safely and deal with the consequences of everything later.
Unfortunately, when I tried approaching the entrance of my apartment building 15 minutes later, I ran into an invisible barrier and got a new message.
[❌Inhabited by others. No Entry Allowed❌]
Cyril: "...?"
[🔔Ding!🔔]
[Intern Remote Orientation Task 1: Find A New Home Base Within 6 Hours🏠.]
[Description: You have forsaken your previous employer and are now a new employee of the amazing H.E.L.P. Apocalypse Co., and need new lodgings to reflect your new amazing position. ]
[🎉👏👏👏👏👏🎉WOW🎉👏👏👏👏👏🎉]
[We at H.E.L.P. Apocalypse Co. believe in helping those who help themselves and do not provide housing to those of the Life Preservation Team.]
[Since your home is your sanctuary, a safe work and living place that belongs to you and can cater to your specifications, establish your new workplace with a sanctuary spark or have your employment terminated.]
[Item: Sanctuary Spark]
[Reward: 1 Specialty Skill Selection Ticket + 10 H.E.L.P Apocalypse Employee Store Points + New Employee Meal Ticket]
[Penalty: 💀Permanent Termination of Employment In The Most Painful Manner Possible💀]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
This fucking job.
No matter how nicely they tried twisting the words, wasn't this just kicking me out of the home I paid for and forcing me into homelessness?
Give me back my house!
Let me quit this job!
When I catch that HR representative or CEO of this bullshit H.E.L.P company, I would be sure to slam the employee handbook on their head. Repeatedly. Until they had a permanent concussion.
But first, it seemed that I had more running to do.
Fuck.