"Not in that way." Ziya closed her eyes, pressed her elbows on the table, and covered her face with her palms, inhaling firmly before she proceeded, "I want to fuck him so hard that he can't walk properly for days."
Rahul's eyeballs instantly flashed at Amara. They both bit their lips in silence, their eyebrows wrinkling together. They were astounded, but not as much as she was.
"I know this sounds bad. This sounds so crazy! I'm so crazy!" Ziya had tried to stop thinking about it the whole night, failing every time successfully. She had grown tired of her thoughts. So worn out that it resonated in her voice.
She tried to stop wanting something he would loathe, but could not stop her desires from finally breaking out of her chest. She had kept the door shut to her desires for a long, not even letting herself know about them.
"First of all, stop saying that to yourself." Amara cupped Ziya's face in her palms, meeting her eyes with a soft smile, and questioned. "Why are you talking to yourself like that?"
"I don't know. You know that's what Druv thought." Ziya groaned.
Rahul quickly hissed at her words, "Don't! You know that guy is crazy."
"But he was right. I - am - weird! I have these weird fantasies and this sinister side, which I think he saw."
"Ziya, there's a reason why he's your ex." Amara scowled. She rolled her eyes with irritation at the memory of how badly Druv, Ziya's ex, treated Ziya for being herself. Every time Ziya tried doing something she wanted, he would put a tag on it of crazy and discard it with rude words, hurting Ziya's confidence.
"Wait. I think I know why you have been pushing Riku away! You think he'll stop loving you if he sees this side," Rahul stated, tuning silence.
"So, what do I do now? Even I'm scared of myself." Ziya demanded, her tone low and lifeless, grievance living in the pit of her stomach.
"Hmm." Rahul paused, his eyes touching the ceiling, his head traveling down the road of solutions. "I don't think you've fully discovered that side of you to be scared of it."
"How about you just do what you want to do," Amara exclaimed, and bashed her hands onto the table, plummeting Ziya's face in the air. "I mean, yeah. Fuck it. Why not just do what comes to mind?"
"I agree. You might stop being scared of yourself." Rahul included, his eyes acknowledging Amara.
"What if everything goes wrong?" Ziya questioned.
"If you run a minute a mile, of course, it will go wrong. You don't know anything yet. So, take it slow. How about that?" Rahul replied and Amara nodded like she was sitting in a church.
"Yeah. And if you feel like there's something we both can't understand, we have Riya. She'll help you." Rahul suggested, offering his girlfriend's help.
"Yeah. She's a dom as well. She'll understand you way better than we can." Amara included.
The conversation with her two friends enlightened her. She was feeling up to the moment, but nervousness had not left her skin yet.
Like a small insect, it was crawling up her skin, for she was, for the first time, going to listen to her heart. She was going to do whatever might cross her mind and see for herself if it was deserving of the hatred she had received from Druv, for not letting herself free was not beneficial to her and Riku.
She might lose Riku, but there were also chances of Riku accepting her and loving her even more because of that. She might remove this distance she had created in between her and Riku, by letting her desires breathe in fresh air.
She spent a long time in her mind during the walk back to the apartment, facing troubles to come up with the first thing she desired to do.
The rain, which had stopped, suddenly began pouring again, five minutes before she was about to reach Riku.
She returned soaked. Right on the doorstep, Riku immediately covered her head and shoulders in towels. He had been waiting at the entrance for half an hour, worried, his eyes focused on the garden steel door.
"I knew you wouldn't wait for the rain to stop." His voice rattled as he welcomed her inside, his hands drying her hair with the towel, also securing the towel on her shoulders from falling on the ground.
"Why is it so dark inside?" She questioned, walking ahead of him, placing her bag beside the wooden shoe rack, removing her shoes, and stepping inside the living room.
"You need to take your clothes off. You might catch a cold if not." His tone cracked, his heart pounding in his chest with frenzy, his eyes and body following behind her.
"I'm fine, don't worry." She shrugged the towels from her shoulders onto the chair as she sat on the dinner table and asked for a glass of water.
He rushed and poured warm water from the kettle, handing her the glass carefully. "Change your clothes." He demanded, standing with his toes curling and his eyebrows puckered.
"Have you cooked something?" Ziya questioned, taking a sip, her fingers busy brushing her wet hair, her eyes on the empty dishes on the table. "I'm hungry."
"Ziya." He watched her take another sip, the hysteria in his chest growing stronger with each passing second.
"Oh, I didn't bring anything. Can you cook something if you have nothing left?" She spoke, her eyes finally falling onto his. He boomed, "Change your fucking clothes!"
Silence. He stared at her, his breaths hitching. She stared at him, her fingers frozen around the glass.
"Why don't you listen to me?" Riku's tone collapsed, his fingers tightening around the kettle handle. The erupting volcano inside his chest had finally decided to burst. He had been holding all his emotions inside for so long.
He was on the verge of falling apart. Alienation had broken him and was eating him out. He could not withstand it any longer. He needed love. He needed to be heard and understood, to be taken care of.
He had decided with his friends that he was going to love her more, so whatever problem she was facing might turn into dust. But how much more? How much could he love her to reach her heart?
The dingy room grew darker. She just peered at his fluttering eyes. She could not believe her ears and eyes. It was the first time he had exploded like that.
Then she inhaled strongly, her eyes softening at him. She was going to be the lover he had always wanted, a good listener, a good communicator, and a caring partner.
Placing the empty glass on the table, she leisurely stood up. The towel fell off of her head. She took a tranquil step closer to him, and cupped his cheeks, her palms colder than the night outside.
He instantly closed his eyes, the chill from her hands seizing his senses. His body was still in the rush of his frustration.
"I will listen to you." She whispered her tone with a hint of strain. "I promise."
He lazily opened his eyes and stared numbly at her, his ears astounded at the words slipping through her lips.
"I'll take care of you. I'll do whatever you want me to do." She went ahead.
His eyes fluttered, his heart pounding faster. He did not understand her once again. His ears had been dying to hear words of warmth from her, but his brain could not register.
"You want me to change my clothes?" She questioned. His eyes fluttered delicately, dilated with astonishment.
"Okay." She removed her palm from his cheeks. "Do you have something I can eat?" He nodded, his neck sagging. "Then heat it up. I'm hungry. I'll go change." He gave a light nod and, in a stupor, watched her disappear into the bedroom.
The light from the lamp beside the glass window dimly radiated the whole living room, enough for them to see each other and the food on the table.
He quietly watched her eat in quiet, his eyes staring at her in awe. Was it really her? He thought. He wasn't dreaming, right?
She quietly ate the pasta, her mind free of worry. "You learned how to make this, right?"
He gave a stiff nod to her question, his eyebrows creasing. She noticed him learning?
"It's tasty." She emitted a smile at him. His eyes dilated and his eyebrows curled.
"Cook this again for me tomorrow. I want to eat it for breakfast." She smiled again, her heart aching at the sight of him, astonished.
She could see his emotions with flying colors on his cheeks. It hurt so much. It ached for her heart to see her lover with desires he should not have.
Pity desires she should be fulfilling, even without thinking.
END OF THE CHAPTER
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