That endless despair of hazy light, sound, memories and the presence of my Grandfather. It continued, then abruptly ended. Again and again and again.
I wondered if perhaps I had found myself trapped in a purgatory of my own envisioning. One where I was constantly deprived of those that I cared for. One where my penance was accepting that fact. Only... Even if I knew they would leave, I could never accept that.
I wouldn't.
With each time, the picture was beginning to become clearer. My mouth, that wouldn't move no matter how much I urged it, finally it became looser and more willing to cooperate with my desperation.
My body gradually gained the strength to at least move, the covers restricting me more akin to a great blanket of earth than the svelte quilt that they appeared.
"Yu, don't rush yourself! The world won't move, take your time slowly. It's necessary to recover properly."
"I- I've been in this bed for too long. I made you do this much work in your old age, Grandfather..." I desperately wanted to rush back to normalcy, maybe if I make myself useful... If I finally fit in with the rest of this village, if I just bury my heart... Can I live without being deprived of your attention? I don't want to experience that endless hell again... I couldn't. Just the idea of sleeping for even a moment takes my breath away, I'll lose everything...
"Honestly, what am I to do with you?" He reached towards me, grasping my arm and pulling me up from my seated position. My body was racked with pain. The fever had yet to disappear. Thankfully my body was slowly gaining weight again and I was no longer painfully dehydrated.
But I began to question the trustworthiness of my Grandfather...
"I can do it myself!"
"I have no qualms with you escaping from that bed, no doubt I would be as impatient at your age. But if you must leave whilst in this state, you will accept assistance."
"...Ngh- fine. I get it."
"Glad that you understand. Give this old man just a moment, we'll take a walk. How does that sound?" The same sunny disposition he always had covered his features. Despite my skepticism, I was glad to see that some things remain the same.
"...Sure." I've been stuck in this bed for what feels like forever...
It was strange, compared to the time in that cave it felt almost momentary. As if the world had rushed me by in but a few blinks. These sensations... It was easy to tell the passage of time now that the world was revealed to me.
I was finally out of that place...
Just shutting my eyes reminds me of the sheer blackness of it, that eternal suffering. Despite my fever and lack of strength, I only slept when my body physically couldn't stay awake any longer. That darkness that once comforted me was now a seedbed for vile thoughts that I didn't want to harbor.
The same could be said for my Grandfather...
He was my only close family. I barely remembered my parents, that vision was all I had to remind myself of them. I had few friends in the village, though even they turned their noses at me as soon as I picked the Lotus during our initiation.
My muscles were uncoordinated, like a baby deer on ice, I tried my hardest to reach towards the door. My hands naturally escaping to nearby objects to prevent my fall. It wasn't mere precaution, without their assistance I would crumble to the ground. I don't even have the freedom to walk myself...? What a terrible exchange for some paltry power, I couldn't think of cultivation as any more than some sick nonsense that God wanted to punish me for following.
I slid the wooden door of our small hut open...
...
What the hell is this?
Why is the sky so close to me now? That which was unreachable, is suddenly within grasp. It felt as if I could simply extend my arm and the stars would land in my open palm. As if the heavens had been placed on my doorstep.
I encountered a strange feeling of breathlessness, those exhalations which naturally released from my lungs created a white mist as they collided with the cool air. It isn't winter yet... But it's this cold?
It's as if the world was flipped upside down and we humans were asked to live on the clouds instead of the solid ground. My legs gave out almost immediately, in my shock I had forgotten to keep ahold of the door my body naturally relied on for support.
Falling into the middle of the street, passersby looked towards me... In the past what would've been ignored or even ridiculed and laughed at was treated with... empathy. A few people nearby began to approach, niceties and kind words escaping their mouths as they did.
"Remove yourselves." A cold gravelly voice pervaded through the air. One that immediately set my hairs on end. I looked back in reaction to see my Grandfather stood at the door, the hunch he developed over the years didn't seem to limit his height. As impossible as it was... he towered over everyone in that scene. Regardless of stature, it was something more... Something I couldn't quite grasp. Each and every one that approached looked away awkwardly, sweat dripped from their necks despite the cold I was experiencing. They avoided even looking at me, rather than peering down at me like dirt, as they did once in the past.
I wasn't sure which I preferred...
"All ready, shall I help you up?" Immediately, his face and voice reverted to what I was used to, the same old man I had lived with my entire life.
I accepted the gritty, calloused hand of my Grandfather as he pulled me up. Even with the cane in his hand, even though I didn't weigh much, he was unmoving. Completely still and balanced as he offered support. Something set me off...
I couldn't remove the skepticism I felt.
What was that?