: "Influencer Family Meeting"
The notification hit Zoe's phone like a warning from the heavens.
"Aunt Jacky has created a WhatsApp group: 'Family Check-In & Prayers.'"
Underneath: 47 unread messages.
Zoe stared at the screen like it had personally betrayed her. "Why do I feel like this is a trap?"
Pauline peeked over her shoulder. "It's always a trap when Jacky's involved. If she adds the pastor, just fake a power outage."
Zoe tapped into the group chat and immediately saw:
Four blurry screenshots of her latest content ("Tech Babe in Trouble?")
A forwarded link titled "Is Vlogging Witchcraft?"
A long voice note from Uncle Jared that began with "Back in our day, we had decency…"
Then came the final nail:
"Family Zoom Meeting tonight. We need to talk about Zoe's life choices."
---
At 7 PM sharp, the Zoom meeting began.
Zoe sat at her desk in a hoodie and regret, while Pauline made popcorn and set up Sir Squawksalot with his own chair.
"Emotional support bird," she said simply. "Don't question it."
The screen populated with a sea of familiar faces: Aunt Jacky, who once tried to rebuke Netflix out of her house; Cousin Becky, who live-tweeted her own baptism; and Uncle Jared, holding a wooden cross like Zoe might jump through the screen and bite him.
"Welcome," Aunt Jacky said in the tone usually reserved for interventions and funerals. "We are gathered to discuss Zoe's… new lifestyle."
---
Cousin Becky chimed in first. "I saw her talking about... cables online. In front of men. Wearing eyeliner."
There was a collective gasp.
Uncle Jared held up one hand. "Let me speak."
Zoe braced herself.
"In our time, we didn't need gadgets. We used chalk. We used wisdom. And we kept our chests covered."
Pauline unmuted her mic. "In your time, people thought thunder was God's mood swing. Let the girl review her cables in peace."
Sir Squawksalot added, "PRUDE!"
Uncle Jared nearly dropped his cross.
---
Then Aunt Jacky turned to the real issue. "Zoe… Are you saved?"
There it was.
Zoe sighed. "I'm saved. But that doesn't mean I can't know what HDMI means."
"But you're influencing people," Jacky pressed. "You have power. And you're using it to talk about Bluetooth."
"She's using it to educate people," Pauline said. "And to survive in this economy, where prayer doesn't pay rent."
"You don't know that!" Becky shouted. "Tithing is a long-term investment!"
Sir Squawksalot screamed, "I BELIEVE IN BITCOIN!"
---
The conversation descended into chaos.
Uncle Jared declared that technology was a distraction from righteousness. Pauline countered that righteousness didn't pay for Wi-Fi.
Someone accidentally shared their screen and exposed a tab with "How to delete gossip groups on WhatsApp."
Meanwhile, Zoe sat back, muting herself, sipping juice, and wondering how many therapy sessions this would take to unpack.
Finally, Cousin Tasha—silent until now—unmuted herself.
"I watch Zoe's content," she said. "It actually helped me buy a laptop. And understand what a VPN is."
Everyone froze.
Jacky blinked. "What's a VPN?"
Tasha smiled. "It's like a prayer, but for hackers."
---
The call ended in tense silence and buffering.
Zoe shut her laptop and flopped onto the couch. "I need wine. And maybe a second identity."
Pauline passed her a glass. "Don't mind them. The only reason they're mad is because they've never gone viral."
Sir Squawksalot nodded wisely. "INFLUENCE IS POWER."
Zoe laughed. "I swear, if that bird gets a TED Talk before me…"
Pauline shrugged. "Just make sure he credits you."