: "Bird vs. Brand"
Zoe was deep in editing mode—eyes glazed, fingers flying over her keyboard, headphones tight, and a mug of coffee she'd reheated three times. She was finally polishing her sponsored tech tutorial: "How To Set Up a Smart Home Without Selling a Kidney."
Then, a ping.
Not from her inbox. Not even from her WhatsApp. No—this was a very specific ping. The bird's email.
Yes, Sir Squawksalot had an email address.
Yes, it was connected to Zoe's inbox.
Yes, she regretted it every day.
Subject line: "Sponsorship Opportunity for Your Fabulous Feathered Friend."
Zoe clicked it, mostly out of morbid curiosity—and instantly choked on her coffee.
---
The email was from a boutique sunglasses brand called Chirp & Chill.
They were launching a summer campaign called #FlockInStyle and wanted Sir Squawksalot to be the face of it. The email had mockups of the parrot wearing aviators, perched on a fake beach chair, with slogans like:
"He doesn't just squawk. He slays."
"Not your average bird. Not your average brand."
"This summer, it's parrot-core or nothing."
Zoe blinked. "Are you serious?"
Pauline peeked over her shoulder. "Well, he is photogenic."
Sir Squawksalot strutted across the table in slow motion, flapping his wings like a Victoria's Secret model.
"SQUAWK—GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT."
---
Three days later, a Chirp & Chill package arrived at the house.
Inside: one tiny pair of custom sunglasses, a miniature branded fan, a contract with the words "Influencer Agreement" in bold, and a note that read:
"Sir Squawksalot, we are thrilled to collaborate with a voice as bold and fabulous as yours."
Zoe read the contract aloud. "Deliverables: 2 Reels, 1 carousel post, 1 IG Live. Payment: 300 USD + one year's supply of bird treats."
She turned to the bird. "You're getting paid in snacks."
Sir Squawksalot chirped. "Better than exposure."
---
Pauline, of course, was ecstatic.
She started calling herself "Bird Manager." She began signing emails as Pauline Achieng, Executive Handler to Sir Squawksalot.
Zoe tried to reason with her. "He's not even verified!"
Pauline sipped her tea. "Neither was Jesus."
---
The photo shoot was chaos.
Zoe tried to keep things professional. She had lighting, angles, props.
But Pauline showed up in a kimono, holding incense and playing 'I'm Too Sexy' from a Bluetooth speaker.
Sir Squawksalot, to his credit, hit every mark. He wore the sunglasses like a diva, posed with a mango smoothie, and gave the camera a side-eye that could make Rihanna jealous.
Zoe couldn't deny it—the bird had presence.
She sighed. "This is your world now. I'm just living in it."
Sir Squawksalot squawked, "TOO LATE TO REBRAND!"
---
But then came the drama.
A Twitter thread surfaced accusing Zoe of "exploiting her pet for fame."
One user wrote:
"This is why birds shouldn't be influencers. Let them fly free!"
Another added:
"Parrots can't consent to sponsored content."
Pauline tried to clap back using the bird's account, tweeting:
"I eat premium almonds and have a skincare routine. Y'all still live with your mothers."
It got 12K likes in an hour. The bird was now Twitter famous.
Zoe stared at her analytics, which were lagging behind the parrot's.
Her latest tech review had 900 views.
Sir Squawksalot's "Hot Bird Summer" clip had 92,000.
She closed her laptop.
"I can't believe I'm being outshone by a bird with better engagement."
Pauline patted her back. "Don't think of it as a competition. Think of it as... shared virality."
---
Later that night, Zoe stood in the kitchen staring at the fridge while the bird practiced squawking brand slogans.
"Chirp & Chill!"
"Promo code SQUAWKSLAY20!"
"Peck responsibly!"
She looked at Pauline. "Do you think I peaked in 2022?"
Pauline replied gently, "No, sweetie. You're just going through a… feathery detour."
Zoe laughed. "If he wins an influencer award before me, I'm moving out."
Sir Squawksalot winked behind his sunglasses. "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT."