Morning came like a punch to the face.
Literally.
Pibbit rolled over in his sleep and smacked me square in the jaw.
I bit his finger in revenge. Classic goblin friendship.
But I wasn't worried about Pibbit today.
No — today was the Big New Year Baby Bash.
An event so legendary, so cursed, that the older goblins whispered about it like it was a natural disaster. The one day of the year where the goblin girls got to pick their husband for the season.
Like a twisted, muddy version of speed dating.
And I was on the market.
[System Reminder: Skills Unlockable Upon Pregnancy.]
Yeah, yeah — shut up.
The Gathering
By noon, the whole goblin tribe had gathered in the center of the camp.
The air stank of burnt frog legs and bad decisions.
Ma Grugga banged a stick against a hollow skull.
"ALRIGHT YA FILTHY WORMS! IT TIME FOR BIG NEW YEAR BABY BASH!"
The goblin girls lined up on one side.
The goblin boys (and me, still barely the size of a fat rabbit) lined up on the other.
I counted them.
18 goblin girls. 14 goblin boys.
…Wait.
Someone's not walking away from this.
Then Ma Grugga explained the rules:
Goblin girls run.
Goblin boys run.
If girl catch boy, she bonks him on the head with a rock.
Congratulations, you're married now.
The last boy standing gets thrown in the bog.
"START!"
The Chase
The goblin girls let out a battle cry that sounded like a dying donkey.
I swear one of them bit a rock in half.
We bolted.
I ran like my life depended on it because — surprise — it did.
A goblin girl named Slibba tackled Bogg to the ground and smacked him with a rock. He cheered weakly before passing out.
One down.
Another girl named Porka tripped over a frog, faceplanted, and got trampled.
Two down.
I ducked behind a tree stump, panting.
[Quest Complete: Survive First Minute of Baby Bash. +50 EXP]
[EXP: 405/500]
Getting close.
If I live long enough to maybe get picked and survive the "bonk," I might finally unlock a skill.
A goblin girl with a chipped tooth named Bragga ran past, snarling.
I swear she sniffed the air like a bloodhound.
I did what any goblin protagonist with survival instincts would do.
I threw a frog at her face and bolted in the opposite direction.
"GYEEEEEGH!"
Direct hit.
The Finale
One by one, the boys dropped like flies.
Some tripped. Some got caught. One kid named Slorp married three goblin girls in a row because he was too slow to get up.
Finally — it was just me and one other boy.
Grib.
Fat, wheezing, terrible at running Grib.
He locked eyes with me.
I nodded.
Without a word, we both dove in opposite directions.
Unfortunately, I dove straight into a bush of spiky death-thorns.
"GAHH—!"
[Quest Complete: Suffer 10 Points of Damage. +25 EXP]
[EXP: 430/500]
Through the bleeding branches, I saw Grib trip over his own foot. A goblin girl named Glukka tackled him and WHAM. Bonk.
It was just me now.
The last boy standing.
Ma Grugga cackled. "GET 'IM!"
The remaining goblin girls swarmed.
I turned, spotted a fat toad nearby, and yeeted it into the air.
The goblins all stopped.
They loved toads.
I sprinted for the bog, dove headfirst into the stinky mud.
[Quest Complete: Survive Big New Year Baby Bash. +100 EXP]
[EXP: 530/500]
[LEVEL UP!]
I grinned.
And then my system chimed.
[Notice: Skills still require Pregnancy Count: 0/1]
I glared at the sky.
"YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME."