It began, as most of my misfortunes did, with a knock on my door followed by five voices in perfectly horrifying harmony.
"Rei~!"
I froze mid-bite of toast.
The door opened anyway. Of course it did.
Princess Seraphina floated in with the grace of an imperial assassin, her arms holding a tray of monogrammed study guides.
Lilia stormed in right behind her, clutching five differently-colored fountain pens like weapons of intellectual warfare.
Drakana crashed through the side window. Because of course she did. Her idea of a "door" was any wall that hadn't yet offended her.
Rosette, my quiet maid-turned-shadowstalker, phased in from the ceiling vent like a cursed fog, already organizing sharpened pencils by stabby-ness.
And trailing in last, looking vaguely embarrassed but also too prepared, was Sophia, the Holy Saint of Studying. She was wearing glasses. Magical ones that probably corrected vision and fried enemies at the same time.
I slowly backed away from the table, holding my toast like a peace offering.
"Hi… everyone. What, uh, brings you all here at 7:01 a.m. sharp?"
Seraphina smiled like a CEO unveiling a hostile takeover.
"We're here to help you study, darling. The exams for Imperial Strategy, Noble Etiquette, and Beast Biology are in just one week."
Lilia flipped open a crimson velvet planner.
"Article 34-B of our Engagement Pact states I, as your senior fiancée, am required to support you academically."
"Also," Sophia added brightly, "if you pass, you'll gain the qualifications to attend the Royal Academy this fall—which I already applied to for us! Yay!"
Drakana crunched something. I turned slowly.
It was the corner of the beast biology textbook.
She licked her lips. "Tastes like trees. With judgment."
I sighed and took my seat.
And thus, began the single most dangerous activity I had ever participated in: Joint Yandere Study Hour.
The table was neatly divided into five zones. Lilia had claimed the left side, complete with lace doilies and a blood-red quill that, I suspected, was inked with real blood. Hers, probably.
Seraphina's area was pristine—military crisp. Every page corner aligned. She passed me a schedule she printed in triplicate. Each one had 'REI SERAPHINA' watermarked in pastel.
Sophia offered color-coded notes… which were 97% hearts, 2% equations, and 1% scribbled doodles of our future kids riding unicorns.
Rosette had her notes written in calligraphy. In my handwriting. I didn't remember writing those.
And Drakana… was now chewing on a pen.
"Okay!" Sophia clapped. "Let's start with a warm-up question!"
She flipped her flashcards. "Rei, what is the third commandment of Imperial Etiquette?"
I opened my mouth.
Lilia whispered, "It's Always bow before a Duchess."
Seraphina hissed, "No! Never turn your back on royalty!"
Sophia blinked. "Actually, it's—"
Drakana roared, "Answer with your fists!"
"WRONG!" Rosette shrieked from under the table. "The correct answer is Protect Rei at all costs! That's the only law that matters!"
Chaos erupted.
I raised a single hand. "I'm pretty sure the actual answer is—"
They ignored me.
Lilia launched a fountain pen at Seraphina like a missile. Seraphina deflected it with a textbook, sending paper shrapnel into Drakana's cereal. Drakana snarled and leapt onto the table.
Sophia was trying to cast a calming spell but was now being used as a human shield by Rosette, who'd tied a pencil sharpener to the end of a ruler like a medieval flail.
I dove under the table and curled into a fetal position with my toast.
"This is fine," I whispered.
Ten minutes later…
The table was smoking. Rosette had retreated into the pantry. Drakana had been bribed with jerky. Lilia was forcibly redrawing seating charts with arrows and passive-aggressive hearts. And Sophia had finally restored order by conjuring a pink bubble of silence and threatening to cry.
Seraphina, unfazed, handed me a tea cup.
"Your midterm is a team project. We're forming a study squad. Isn't this exciting?"
"Terrifying. But thanks."
Sophia handed me a quiz. "Let's practice matching terms!"
I blinked. The worksheet had one column labeled "Royal Laws," and the other labeled "Rei's Cutest Smile Reactions."
They had things like:
Column A: "Reverence for Elders"
Column B: "Rei's smile at 15° tilt = fond but suspicious"
I looked up.
They all stared.
"Rei," Lilia said sweetly, "write your name on my page?"
"Actually, he should write it on mine first," Seraphina said with that frosty smile that meant someone was about to vanish.
"I already carved his initials into my desk," Drakana grunted, picking something from her teeth.
"I embroidered it into your underwear drawer," Rosette murmured.
"Wait," I paused. "You did what?"
"It was already full," Rosette added with a dreamy sigh. "So I started a new drawer."
I massaged my temples. "Can I just… answer one actual question?"
The girls exchanged glances.
"Sure!" Sophia said.
I glanced at the sheet.
Question: "What are the three main branches of government in the Empire?"
Easy.
I scribbled: "Legislative, Executive, Judicial."
I looked up.
They looked… betrayed.
Lilia sniffed. "You didn't write my name in the margin."
Seraphina folded her arms. "And not even a single heart?"
Drakana stared blankly. "What are those words? Can I punch them?"
Rosette produced a paper with the answer: "Rosette, Rosette, Rosette."
Sophia offered hers: "Holy Saint Sophia's Authority, Love, and Cuteness."
I stood.
Quietly. Slowly.
Then I took the remaining textbook, opened to page 394, and buried my face in it.
This was fine.
Everything was fine.
"Hey, Rei?" Seraphina asked sweetly.
"Yes?"
She pointed to Drakana. "She's eating your Beast Biology homework again."
I looked.
Indeed.
She had page 395 in her mouth.
"Crunchy," she said. "Tastes like rules."
Lilia hissed, "You can't digest his grades! He needs those!"
"I need fiber!" Drakana roared.
Rosette silently replaced the page with one she'd transcribed in perfect replica.
I sighed. "Of course you have a copy."
She smiled with glittering eyes. "I have… all copies."
It was only 8:15 a.m.
I had survived three wars, two shrine rooms, and an affection meter that blinked red.
But this?
A study session?
This would break me.
"System," I muttered, "do I have any emergency scrolls left?"
[SYSTEM NOTICE: You used your last one during Bathroom Breakdown #1. Current cooldown: 13 hours.]
I died a little inside.
Two hours later…
We were writing essays.
Well. They were writing essays.
I was watching in horror as every single girl had replaced the word "Emperor" with "Rei."
Examples:
"Rei is the true moral compass of the Empire."
"Loyalty to Rei ensures peace and stability."
"Rei should sit on the golden throne and be fed grapes forever."
Drakana had drawn a doodle of me sitting on a flaming throne of skulls.
Rosette had replaced every noun in her essay with my name.
Sophia had just written "I love Rei" 500 times in cursive.
Lilia had written an epic poem titled, "Ode to His Smile at Dawn."
I looked at the clock.
Still ten minutes left.
I slumped forward onto the table.
"You win," I whispered to the cosmos. "Just fail me. I accept it."
The girls all perked up.
"Fail you?" Lilia gasped.
"We'll never allow that," Seraphina vowed.
"I'll eat the professor," Drakana offered.
"I already have." Rosette added without blinking.
Sophia beamed. "Then we'll all be his tutors forever! Every night! Every subject!"
The room swirled.
I saw stars.
I fainted with a final whimper: "No more flashcards…"
To be continued…