Episode Twelve: "Group Chat Madness & the Influencer Auntie Empire"
Zoe had made peace with many things.
That she'd never win a morning argument against Pauline.
That the parrot was legally funnier than she was.
That somehow, in the year of our Lord 2025, her aunt had become a cult figure of wellness on the internet.
But nothing—and she meant nothing—could have prepared her for what happened next:
The family WhatsApp group chat caught the clout bug.
It started innocently enough.
Uncle Ben:
> "Saw Pauline on TV! She glowing like boiled maize. Send the recipe!"
Cousin Sheila:
> "Auntie plz do a detox collab with me. I have 34 followers and vibes."
Aunt Naomi:
> "Why u didn't tag me on Insta? I commented 5 fire emojis and 1 praise hands!"
Zoe stared at the messages, sipping her coffee like it was sedative juice. Pauline, meanwhile, was lounging on the couch in a kimono, eating pawpaw slices with a fork. The parrot was perched on the curtain rod, wearing a tiny headscarf Zoe did not remember buying.
"Your Uncle Ben wants a wellness consultation," Pauline said between bites. "Apparently, he's been bloated since Christmas."
"He's been bloated since 1997," Zoe muttered.
Pauline handed her the phone. "Text him my rates."
"Rates?! Auntie, you're charging people now?"
"I have influence, Zoe. It's time the people paid for their glow."
---
Enter the Sponsorship Storm
Brands started reaching out.
"Some company wants to send me turmeric toothpaste," Pauline announced.
"What even is turmeric toothpaste?" Zoe asked.
"I don't know," Pauline said. "But I'm going to brush with it in slow motion while whispering affirmations like 'You are the gum of your ancestors.'"
Zoe's phone buzzed. It was her friend, Momo.
> "Your aunt just sold me goat milk soap with glitter in it. I smell like a disco farm. Help."
Meanwhile, Zoe was still trying to edit her actual content—tech reviews and day-in-the-life vlogs that were now buried under wellness smoothie reels.
She posted a 10-minute review of a phone tripod.
It got 112 views.
Pauline posted a reel of herself chanting while doing warrior poses on a mat that suspiciously resembled Zoe's yoga towel.
400,000 views.
---
The Intervention (That Didn't Work)
Zoe gathered her strength and sat Pauline down for a "gentle talk."
"Auntie," she said, calmly. "Maybe we need boundaries."
Pauline blinked. "Are you trying to break up with my brand?"
Zoe sighed. "No. I'm just… saying maybe I could get some time to do my stuff too? You know, work on my own content, breathe, use my own towels?"
Pauline put a hand on her shoulder. "Zoe. You're not thinking big picture. You and I? We're an empire. A movement. We are Rent-Free Royalty!"
Sir Squawksalot yelled, "BRAND HER!"
Zoe stood up. "Okay. I'm going to lie down and scream into a pillow for an hour."
Pauline waved dramatically. "Scream into the universe, darling! Let the toxins out!"
---
Meanwhile, at the Apartment Complex…
The neighbors were divided. Half of them were obsessed with Pauline. The other half had started a petition titled:
> "BRING BACK THE OLD AUNTIE WHO JUST SWEPT THE STAIRS AND MIND HER OWN."
Even the security guard, Onyango, had been roped in.
He pulled Zoe aside one afternoon. "Eh, your aunt gave me something called 'moon tea.' I drank it. Then I started remembering my ex from Form Two."
Zoe stared at him. "You're crying."
"It had hibiscus, Zoe."
Meanwhile, Mr. Kibet had fully entered his villain arc. He began uploading daily reaction videos titled "Wellness or Witchcraft?" where he angrily dissected Pauline's content.
In one video, he paused her smoothie reel and growled, "What is this?! WHO blends pawpaw with charcoal?!"
Pauline's followers found the videos and made them trend with hashtags like #KibetNeedsAFruitCleanse and #JusticeForPauline.
---
The Wellness Warrior Meet-Up (And Other Crimes)
It all climaxed with the first-ever in-person Wellness Warrior Meet-Up held in the apartment courtyard.
Pauline insisted on fairy lights, a carpet of flower petals, and a live musician who only played the flute (badly).
Zoe showed up late, carrying paper cups and a Bluetooth speaker. She found twenty-five women in matching headbands doing breathing exercises while chanting, "We inhale peace, we exhale rent."
Pauline was seated on a makeshift throne—a garden chair with satin fabric thrown over it. She had face paint. The parrot had a crown made of spoons.
Zoe nearly walked back to her room and locked herself in.
But then someone spotted her.
"Oh my gosh," said one of the women. "It's Zoe! The niece! The phoenix of the explosion!"
Zoe blinked. "I... just wanted to make smoothies."
They all clapped.
Sir Squawksalot let out a victorious "REBRAND!"