Alright.
Let's get one thing out of the way first:
I have one apple.
Just one left on the crate. And it's not even one of those fancy Honeycrisps or anything. This thing is bruised, possibly cursed, and tastes like it resents me personally. But here I am, sitting on a suspiciously grassy hill in a suspiciously real version of Teyvat, chewing on this tragic excuse of a fruit like some kind of diet-locked Hilichurl.
This is my life now. Great.
"So let me get this straight," I muttered to the open fields, because talking to myself was step one in the descent into madness, "I get hit by a truck, wake up in Teyvat with nothing but my Genshin knowledge and the dream of marrying Nilou, and my first quest is to not die in the wilderness?"
...Seems about right.
Now, some people might panic. They might scream, cry, maybe even try to eat grass. But not me. No. I'm Shigeru. Calm. Cool. Collected. And definitely not on the verge of losing my mind over the fact that I have no Vision, no Mora, and no teleport waypoints to abuse.
Yet.
I stood up dramatically. There was no one around to see it, but I felt cool anyway.
"Okay, think. What do we know?"
Teyvat. Check.
Canon lore. Check.
Random bullshit lore by YouTubers. Check.
Nilou's ring finger size-don't ask. Also check.
If I remember the timeline correctly, the Traveler should still be fishing Paimon out of the water around this time at Guyun Stone Forest. But the game starts in Starfell Valley, and that whole cutscene was set there. That was at the sea near there. So either my knowledge is already scuffed, or Hoyoverse was playing 4D chess with my perception.
Doesn't matter.
I need a friend. And not just any friend. I need The Traveler.
Preferably Lumine. Because, look. Aether's cool and all, but I'm not emotionally stable enough to compete with that much protagonist energy. Besides, Lumine gives big sister energy, and I could really use someone responsible to make sure I don't accidentally befriend a Ruin Guard.
So-operation: Find Traveler.
Step one: Get off this hill. Step two: Get to Starfell Valley. Step three: Pray I don't get mauled by a Hilichurl.
I took one final, bitter bite of my apple. It tasted like shame and childhood trauma.
"Alright, let's move."
-
Turns out, step one was easy. Step two, though?
I almost got lost. Like actually lost. Teyvat is huge, okay? And when you're on foot, without a vision, food, or even deodorant, it becomes a special kind of hell.
I was halfway through convincing myself I was going in the right direction-using what I liked to call "Gamer Intuition"-when I remembered something crucial.
"Wait a second... I HAVE A MAP!"
And yes. Yes, I did. I pulled it out with the kind of flair that would've made Kaeya proud.
Except.
It wasn't a paper map.
It was the freakin' Genshin Impact app on my phone.
I opened it, grinning like an idiot. "Behold! My salvation!"
Only to see nothing but darkness.
Right. Right. I forgot. The map's still black. Because I haven't touched the freaking Statue of The Seven yet.
I stared at it like it betrayed me. "How dare you, Hoyoverse. How dare you."
Still, I didn't let it crush me. I had something better than a map: over 2,000 hours in this game. I knew every rock, tree, and emotionally unavailable NPC in this world. Starfell Valley? Easy. I could get there with my eyes closed. Probably. Maybe.
So I marched.
With nothing but determination, a slightly bruised ego, and the lingering taste of betrayal-apple.
And let me just say, it really sucks not being able to use waypoints. I didn't realize how spoiled I was until now. Who designed this game mechanic? I want to fight them.
As I trudged along, I started mentally prepping what I'd say to the Traveler when I found them. Because let's face it, I needed to be useful or I'd be that weird NPC nobody wanted around.
Maybe I could use my knowledge of the Archon Quests? I did play until the end of the Natlan arc, and I still wasn't over how cold Capitano turned out to be. Like seriously, bro's built like a war machine and has the emotional warmth of an abandoned fridge, but it turns out he's a fucking chad after all. And now? He's literally frozen in that fucking throne.
Maybe I could save him too? I am a proud Caprisun shipper after all. He deserves Mavuika. We all know that.
Anyway.
I was almost near the area. I recognized the trees, the slope, and the oddly specific boulder that looked like a frog if you stared long enough. Which meant one thing:
Cutscene time.
I crouched behind some rocks like the suspicious little gremlin I was and peeked over.
And there it was. The scene. The one and only. Lumine talking to Paimon near the water.
I squealed. Not loudly. Just a little. Internally.
It was surreal watching it up close-like jumping into your favorite anime and seeing the opening credits play out right in front of you.
Lumine looked... perfect. Like someone who wouldn't judge me for accidentally calling a boar "daddy" during a near-death moment.
Paimon was floating there too, all smug and sparkly.
"Okay, Shigeru," I whispered, hyping myself up. "This is your moment. You just gotta wait for the right time to show up. Don't mess this up. Be cool. Be slick. Channel that NPC energy."
I squinted at the sun. Dramatically.
Soon.
***
Alright. So there I was-crouched behind a rock like some kind of budget assassin-watching Lumine and Paimon having a deep conversation by the lake. It was touching, really. Emotional. Powerful. Definitely didn't cry.
Okay maybe I did. But not because it was emotional! It's just... Teyvat has a lot of pollen, okay? That's totally why my eyes were watery. Not because I was watching a main character reunion scene live, up close and personal like some kind of deranged lore-addicted fanboy. Nope. Not me.
And then it hit me. Not the pollen. Not the feels. The realization.
This... this was my moment.
If I was going to insert myself into the story, it had to be now. Not five minutes later when Lumine vanished with a teleport animation and left me sobbing into my cursed apple.
So what did I do?
I stood up. With the swagger of a man who definitely did not trip on his own shoelace.
And then-I walked out into the open like I owned Teyvat.
"Yo," I greeted, hand raised casually, like I'd just bumped into my neighbors at the grocery store and not two actual legends standing by the lake.
Paimon spun around so fast I'm surprised she didn't develop whiplash. "HUHHHH?! Where did YOU come from?!"
Lumine didn't jump. She didn't scream. She just turned slowly and stared at me. Like she was trying to figure out whether I was a threat... or just stupid.
Honestly? Probably both.
And look-I get it. I was wearing a hoodie. A hoodie. In Teyvat. Where everyone's dressed in fantasy drip and thigh-highs. I probably looked like someone who took a wrong turn at the anime convention and ended up here by accident.
Paimon zipped up to me, her mouth hanging open. "What are you even wearing?! Are you... from Mondstadt's dumpster?"
Ouch. "First of all," I said, brushing an invisible speck off my sleeve, "this hoodie is limited edition. Second-yes, I came from another world. But I am NOT from the dumpster. Probably."
Lumine blinked. Still calm. Still silent. But I could tell-her brain was braining.
She finally spoke. "Who are you?"
And I smiled.
Oh, I smiled like I just pulled a five-star on my first ten-pull.
"Shigeru," I said with way too much confidence. "Outlander. Hoodie Enthusiast. Dendro Slime Slayer-killed one yesterday with a stick, thank you very much."
Paimon squinted. "A stick?"
"It was a very sharp stick."
Lumine tilted her head. "So you're saying you're like me... an outlander?"
"Exactly. Just... without the power, combat ability, support system, or emotional stability."
A pause.
Paimon looked horrified. Lumine looked... mildly intrigued. Which I'm gonna take as a win.
I took a step forward, dropping my voice into a Very Serious Whisper. "But I do have one thing you might want."
Another step. Dramatic. Mysterious. Possibly unsettling.
Lumine's eyes narrowed, and she shifted slightly-ready to summon her sword, I bet.
I leaned in close.
"I might know something... about your brother."
BOOM.
Cue the dramatic anime sound effect.
Lumine jolted. Her breath hitched. Paimon's jaw dropped so fast it probably dislocated.
And then... I said it.
"Also... Lumine."
Her eyes widened. Instantly.
"How do you know that name?" she asked, voice sharp now, suspicious. "Everyone calls me 'Traveler.'"
"Yeah, but like," I scratched my head, "that's kind of impersonal, don't you think? Like calling Zhongli 'Geo Daddy'-wait, bad example." Right... They still haven't met him yet. This is just the beginning, well done Sherlock...
Paimon floated in front of me like a bouncer ready to kick me out of Celestia. "Okay, WHAT is going on?! Who even ARE you, and how do you know all this?!"
I spread my arms, grinning like a man with way too much plot knowledge.
"I'm just your average walking spoiler machine."
Lumine didn't laugh.
Tough crowd.
Finally, she narrowed her eyes. "Can we trust you?"
She and Paimon were both glaring now. Suspicious. Paranoid. Kinda valid.
And me?
I just smiled wider.
"Absolutely."
***
Let me just say-there is NOTHING more awkward than standing in front of the literal protagonist and her tiny emergency food assistant while dressed like a modern-day hobo and pretending to be mysterious.
But you know what? I powered through.
Because I am Shigeru. Hoodie Champion. Lore Goblin. Survivor of Teyvat's weird ecosystem.
And nothing-not even Lumine's intense glare-was going to stop me from inserting myself into the main storyline like the world's most annoying side quest.
"Look," I said, rubbing the back of my neck, "I know how this looks. I just showed up out of nowhere, started calling you by name, dropped your brother's name like it's hot, and implied I know more than I should. Which I do. But not because I'm evil!"
"Then how do you know all that?" Lumine asked again, calm but with murder behind those golden eyes.
Time to commit.
"I have... dreams."
"Dreams?" Paimon echoed, confused.
"Yes," I nodded sagely. "Strange, vivid dreams filled with... visions. Knowledge. And gacha banners."
"...Gacha what?"
"Don't worry about it."
Lumine folded her arms. "You're not making this easy to believe."
"And yet," I pointed at her, "you haven't stabbed me yet."
"...yet," she muttered.
We stood in silence for a moment. The wind blew. A bird chirped. My stomach growled loudly.
"Alright," Paimon finally sighed. "Let's say we don't throw you into the lake. What now?"
I beamed. "Now? We travel together!"
"Excuse me?" Lumine deadpanned.
I nodded enthusiastically. "Yup. Team up. Squad up. Party of three. I call support role-I can hold your inventory or cook rice."
"You want to join us?"
"Of course. I bring enthusiasm, weirdly specific knowledge about what's coming next, and a deeply rooted fear of birds."
"...birds?"
"Have you seen the cranes in Liyue?! They're huge!"
Lumine looked at Paimon.
Paimon looked at Lumine.
They both looked at me.
And then they sighed. In sync.
"Fine," Lumine said, pinching the bridge of her nose like she was already regretting everything. "But the moment you get weird, we're ditching you."
I threw up a peace sign. "Deal!"
And just like that-I was officially part of the main questline.
Teyvat, you're not ready for me.
____________________________________________
End of Chapter 2:
Quest Completed: Find The Traveler
Rewards: A cute girl companion and an emergency food if I got hungry.